Discipline

Discipline of children is controversial topic. I'm not known for shying away from such topics, though! (As evidenced by my entire blog page dedicated to Natural Family Planning, and my frequent mention of breastfeeding - and I have a post (or several) in the works about breastfeeding and "extended" breastfeeding, too!) In "real life," I love to get into topics like this with friends. Most of my friends have the same views as I do, but I do have friends who are Atheist, different Christian denominations from me, or very liberal (hello, I am the most conservative person you'll ever meet), so from time to time I find myself in a riveting discussion. I love it. ( :

What I don't love is having to actually discipline my child. Its hard. Growing up, Mama always said "this hurts me way more than it hurts you." I never believed her, of course, but now I see that she was right. I want to just love and cuddle with my daughter and never have to discipline her. BUT, she will never grow to be a good Christian woman if we don't raise her right. Can I get an "Amen?"

My husband and I were raised pretty much the same way - you obey your parents, don't give them any lip, and don't misbehave. Or else you got a spanking (or a whippin, as some people call it).

Ephesians 6:1-3 - Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land."

I know a LOT of people nowadays say that spanking is wrong and evil, and makes children grow up to be messed up in the head or abusers, but I don't agree with that. DH and I are perfectly normal (gasp! Despite having been spanked!!) adults with no inclinations towards physical abuse. We don't hate our parents for disciplining us the way they did. And I know tons of people just like us. Maybe its just a Southern thing. Maybe someone in California will read this and be completely appalled. *shrug* My suggestion, if that's your opinion, is to stop reading now. ( :

We spank our child. She is not abused, we do not hurt her. But when she is being blatantly disobedient, she will get popped on her hiney.

Proverbs 12:24 - Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

 Now, I realize she's only 2 years old (well, almost 3 now!) and she doesn't always know the difference between right and wrong yet. But my husband and I both firmly agree that she does know quite a bit, and when she knows not to do or say something and does it anyway, she should be punished. Now, here someone will say "put her in time out" or "take away her toys," or even "just ignore her bad behavior and reward her good behavior." Sorry, folks, that kind of "discipline" doesn't always cut it.

"Time out" doesn't work yet for us. C doesn't quite understand what I mean and there's just no way she can sit still on command for any amount of time. I don't expect her to do that, anyway (hello, she's a toddler - they can't sit still, like, ever). In order for her to actually sit in time out, I'd have to sit beside her and physically restrain her from moving. Not happening. Besides, doesn't that go against "ignoring bad behavior?" Hmm...

Speaking of that, that's the silliest thing I've ever heard in terms of discipline. (Sorry if that offends anyone.) I'm not saying that sometimes I don't overlook C's temper tantrums - cause sometimes I do. If she's clearly overtired from skipping a nap or from a big day, I can expect at some point before the day's over she'll have a meltdown. And when I say meltdown, I mean she'll throw herself on the floor, kicking and screaming. I can ignore those tantrums. Even if I think her reason is dumb, I know she's exhausted and really can't help herself. So if I'm in a position to ignore her, that's what I do.

BUT, if she's having a tantrum because she made a mess with her toys and I told her to clean it up (which she is totally capable of doing; she cleans up her messes all the time), I'm not going to ignore that. That's disobedience. And she knows better. Yes, she's not even 3 years old, but her mental level is higher than her physical age. (I know lots of parents think their kid is a genius, but seriously, my kid is super smart. Not bragging; it just is what it is. Physical stuff is more challenging for her.)

Sometimes, C will throw a fit (as we say down here) if I don't do something exactly to her liking. Like this morning. I was eating breakfast and C wanted a bite of my toast. No problem, but I told her I would hold it for her (it was peanut butter toast, and I didn't have time to clean up the inevitable mess if she held it herself). Well, she didn't like that idea at all. Threw herself down and completely lost it. It was probably one her her worst tantrums ever (and that's saying a lot, cause she's had some doozies!). Exactly what I don't need first thing in the morning. At first, I ignored her. After all, she had just woken up, and since I'm totally not a morning person, I can sympathize with waking up on the wrong side of the bed. But then she just kept getting worse and worse - and louder and louder.

I guess technically I employed several different methods of discipline this morning. First, I tried the ignoring method. Didn't work. Just made her up her game (i.e, throwing her beloved stuffed animals at me). Next, I tried the spanking method. (Really, just a quick pop, not a beating like you're probably picturing.) That didn't phase her at all. Finally, I snatched up those animals and threw them on top of the fridge. That really ticked her off. *sigh* The entire time, I was trying to calm her down and reason with her (ha! Reason with a toddler?! Yeah, right.). I finally went to my bathroom and shut the door. Yeah, I probably won't be winning any Mom of the Year awards, but sometimes you need to get some distance and gain a little perspective on a situation, you know? And sometimes when its 7:30 in the morning and you're already not a morning person, you just need a 10 second break from the screaming so you can calm yourself and not completely lose it.

Well, that got through to my daughter this morning. She immediately calmed down. She was actually good as gold until I dropped her off at her grandma's. I did have a talk with her about how it is not acceptable behavior to act like she did, even if she was mad about not being able to hold the toast (which I'm sure was extremely important to her). That's the second or third talk we've had to have this week about her behavior. I hope this phase ends soon!

On the way to work, I talked to my husband, who is just as lost as I am here. We're not quite sure how to handle these tantrums our daughter is insistent on having so regularly lately. We just know that we can't allow her to get away with acting this way. I think with our child, when she's a little older time out will be pretty effective. I also think in certain situations, taking away toys will work now. But if she's not actively playing with a toy, taking away something won't have any affect, in my opinion.

I know some people would tell me to just give in and not be so stern. After all, is it really that big of a deal to let her hold the dang toast and just clean up the mess? No, its not. BUT, I had already told her no. End of story. I (and my husband) have no intentions of giving in to our child's every whim. She needs to know that you don't always get everything you want, when you want it. Our job is not to be her best friend, but to raise her so that she'll one day be a God-fearing, Christian woman with good values and morals.

Proverbs 22:6 - Train a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. 

It has to start now, when she's still young and impressionable. We can't wait until she's a wild teenager with no respect for her parents. Its too late then.

And you know what? I might not have all the answers (not even close!), but I know I'm on the right track. How do I know? Because every single time C calms down from a tantrum, she comes to me, apologizes, hugs me, and tells me she loves me. She doesn't want to disappoint me or make me angry. She wants my approval and my affection.

Proverbs 29:17 - Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart. 

Yes, I know Bible verses can be taken way out of context. Not the case here. God was pretty clear on this topic - we have to discipline our children to save them from Sheol (Hell).

Proverbs 23:13-15 - Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. My son, if your heart is wise, my heart too will be glad.

I don't think "strike him with a rod" means to literally beat your kid with a metal rod, either. Nowhere does God say "knock your kid out when he misbehaves." So don't take that part so literally, like some people do. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the argument that "the Bible condones child abuse." Nonsense. God wants His children to obey him, and if we don't He will punish us. As parents, our children are expected to obey us in the same manner, and if they don't, God expects us to punish them.

Hebrews 12:11 - For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

And that's the goal. "The fruit of righteousness." Children are a blessing from God, and our job is to train them in God's ways. Every child and adult of God is one less in Satan's army. 

I know this sounds terribly "old-fashioned," conservative, and maybe ignorant to some people. That's okay. As Christians we are called to live apart from the world and its gray areas. The world has made us think its okay to be lackadaisical in our faith and our Christian walk - but it's not okay. How we are to live has been laid out for us in God's book. No, its not easy, but its what we are called to do. 

Please don't think that me saying this means I'm already "there;" on the contrary, I struggle with this very thing. Following God's Word is often "against the grain" of society. And I'll be the first to admit I often fail. Luckily, God knows I'll never be perfect and has already forgiven me. I just have to keep trying - and I have to do my best to make sure I raise my daughter according to His guidelines. 

Weekend Recap and Other Awesomeness

Ugh, I am SO unmotivated today! Mainly because I can't take a decent breath. I don't know if I've pulled a muscle from all my coughing spells over the past 10 days, or if I have pleurisy (which I get all the dang time, so you'd think I'd know), or bronchitis, but my right lung/chest HURTS when I breathe. I'm still coughing, though not as frequently as I was last week. I can now breathe through my nose, though I still have to blow it quite a bit. I guess not being able to breathe deeply makes you tired, cause I have no energy today.

Yesterday afternoon, I ran around in the yard with C, kicking balls. It was fun, but man did it wear me out! Am I goin to the doctor?  Nah, probably not. If I thought I had a sinus infection I'd be there to get some drugs, but I don't think they can do anything for this right now. So unless I get a whole lot worse, I'll just complain about it. :P (Just kidding, complaining will cease now!)

We had a great weekend. Saturday morning, me and C headed to town to find some tap shoes. On Friday during my lunch break, I went to the consignment store and bought her some tap shoes, but they ended up being too small. I also got a few leotards and skirts, which thankfully fit just fine - yay for consignment! I found some ballet slippers at Target, and they were too small as well.

Of course, Once Upon A Child (consignment) didn't have any tap shoes in C's size, but luckily I got a full refund. Next, we hit up Michael's, where I scored some ribbon on clearance for $1. I made a beautiful hair bow for her, and forgot to take a picture (haha). I'll try to get on that (and a bow tutorial) soon! We exchanged the ballet slippers at Target for a larger brand, then went on a search for tap shoes.

Luckily, we hit pay dirt at Payless. C is totally in love with her shoes and wants to wear them all the time. And I have to say, she's pretty much a natural at tapping. ( :

Hopefully that video will play! If not, here's a still:

She tapped all over the house for me, and after her long nap (in her CRIB!!), we went to my mama's house, where she tapped for her, my cousin, and my grandma. I love that kid. ( :

Yesterday, she was alternating between the tap shoes and the ballet slippers to dance for her daddy - so cute.

After church yesterday, we headed to my aunt's for a birthday lunch for my cousin. We had a good time, and got to eat some of my aunt's delicious chocolate pound cake with cream cheese icing! Yum. Of course, we stayed over there through nap time, and when we got home, C wasn't about taking a nap. So her and I played outside while DH worked on the chicken and rabbit pens.

C and I had so much fun playing outside. We played with the balls, she rode her tricycle, we swung on the swingset, and she had a blast on the slide. I cherish times like that. Then one of DH's friends stopped by to show us what he bought at the livestock sale that morning, and somehow we ended up with 6 guinea keets! When they get big enough, we'll turn them loose so they can eat bugs around the farm. Our farm will never be quiet again! If you're not familiar with guineas, they are LOUD - like, obnoxiously loud.

Anyway, after we got over our new bird excitement (note my sarcasm), C and I hopped on Sunshine bareback. Then C kicked me off so she could ride by herself, haha. I didn't feel up to giving her a "lesson," so I just walked around with her. She didn't care! I'm so glad she loves horses already. ( :

Speaking of birds, our baby ducks are still going strong! Well, 8 of them are. We lost 1, but that was expected cause he was very weak. I'm happy. Mama duck is doing a great job at protecting them. They hang out in the pond a lot, but have also been hanging out around the chicken pens - which is pretty farm from the pond, so they must be strong babies.

All in all, it was an excellent weekend. The only thing that would have made it better if is I had felt better. But I can't complain, since it was a drastic improvement from the previous weekend, when I couldn't do anything but hack and blow my nose.

At church yesterday, my pastor preached on Psalm 121. This is my favorite Psalm, and probably my favorite Bible verses. I'd never heard a sermon on it, and I was impressed.

This Psalm has gotten me through some tough times in my life. It reminds me that God is always there for me. My pastor's message was about much more than that fact, though.

It inspired me to be better about my Bible reading and studies. Well, I should say it inspired me to DO it again. Sadly, I've really gotten off track with that. At the beginning of this year, I was reading the Bible daily with my Bible In One Year app, plus I was doing other random studies through books I found. I also read several books about building a closer relationship to God. I'm not sure what happened, but I stopped doing all that gradually. Its just easier to read "fun" things, like trashy romance novels, I guess. But you know what? Lately, I've been feeling not quite myself, almost depressed at times. I was just thinking on Friday how I needed to get back into the Word, cause when I was deep within it, I didn't feel this way. And then I heard this sermon yesterday - coincidence? I think not. My God is just awesome like that. ( :

So, I'm jumping back in. I'm gonna pick up where I left off with my "The Excellent Wife Day by Day" devotional, the BIOY app, and a couple of other books I recently purchased. Fill myself with spiritual goodness, reconnect with my Maker, have peace again. Who's with me? ( :

Take Two

I'm back for Round Two today. This time will be more uplifting, I promise. ( : (Take One wasn't so lighthearted, but I needed to get that out!)

I wanted to share a couple of positives in my life from this week. I thought about doing a High Five for Friday post, but honestly, I couldn't come up with that many positives. Its been a challenging week, to say the least.

Late last week, I decided to start exercising again. Now, before you get all excited for me, let me just say that if it involves me sweating or getting my heart beat up, its probably not gonna happen. Back in the day, I used to run 5 miles every single day, and loved it. These days, I don't run unless someone is chasing me. Or if my toddler is escaping or approaching danger. 

I've been thinking lately of what I could do that was low-impact and quick. I needed something that would make me feel better about myself, get toned up again, but not make me lose weight. Since I'm still breastfeeding C, I have to be careful because I lose weight pretty easily. To most women, that would be wonderful, but I do not want to lose any more. I'm at a good weight right now, and with all my muscles gone, I'm pretty fail looking (according to my husband). Hopefully soon, I'll get some muscles built back up, but either way, I want want to get any smaller, that's for sure. (Please don't hate me. I don't often talk about my weight because so many women struggle with their weight and hate people like me. I promise I'm not trying to "brag," I feel disgusting because even though I'm "skinny," I'm flabby and very out of shape.) 

Anyway, last week I remembered that during my pregnancy, I enjoyed doing yoga on the Wii Fit. I started doing it, and have kept it up for a week now. I haven't done it every single day, but most of them I have. I've been getting up a few minutes earlier than usual and "working out" before getting ready for work. This equates to about 20 minutes of yoga. Which is totally not much at all, but it makes me feel better. I can already tell a difference in my posture, and I swear my legs are already stronger. Some days I do some of the strength training exercises, too. My goal is to slowly get up a little earlier every day so I can do more yoga and strength training. Maybe one day I'll do some cardio to get my heart in shape, but I'm not making myself any promises on that! I'll be happy if by summer my arms, legs, and waist are more toned. At this rate, I think they will be! ( :



I also got a new book this week. Its a daily devotional for wives. Its called "The Excellent Wife Day By Day," by Karen Eiler.  It is based on the book "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace. I haven't read that book, but I intend to get it soon. This devotional is a 5 day a week one, which I love (I always forget to do the weekend ones), and its perfect for the wife who strives to be a more Godly wife. Martha Peace said this about the "Day By Day" devotional:

The Excellent Wife Day By Day is a five-days-a-week, year-long devotional for wives to remind them of their "primary ministry" to their husbands - to give glory to God as they show love, respect, and biblical submission to their husbands. Each day there is a Scripture on which to meditate, a brief very engaging story, and a reminder of at least one biblical principle. Karen's devotional book is a convicting and a challenging blessing to her readers to help them see a high and proper view of God as well as how to respond to Him in a way that pleases Him. 

I'm only a few days into the devotional, but I love it already. Each week, it gives you a verse of scripture to memorize, which I love. It encourages you to keep a journal, and so far I've enjoyed doing that. I hope that when I complete this devotional, I'll be more like the wife God has designed me to be, and my marriage will be stronger for it.

If anyone has any great devotionals or other wonderful books to recommend, I'd love the suggestions! ( :

Frustration. Guilt. Stress. Grief.

Heavy title, huh? Well, those are just some of the emotions I've been dealing with this week. I know most people (myself included) try to keep blog topics upbeat, sharing only the good and positive things. But let's be real. Life is full of not-so-good stuff. Its not rainbows and unicorns all the time. I struggle with the fine line between being an honest blogger and not being too personal here. The key word there was struggle. I struggle a lot. In every aspect of my life. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I am imperfect and a sinner and I fully recognize that. Lucky for me (and you!), God loves me (and you!) anyway. I don't have to be perfect and I don't have to have it all together. Whew.

 This week has been a tough one for me and my family. My uncle passed away on Saturday. We knew it was coming. The doctor told us on Wednesday that he would not make it through the weekend. He was diagnosed with Stage 3 lunch cancer last fall, and it has been very aggressive. There simply wasn't anything else the doctors could do to fight it. I went to see my uncle several times while he was in the hospital this last time, but not as often as I would have liked. I honestly thought he'd be able to leave and die at home. I thought the doctor was wrong, and that he wouldn't die that quickly. My husband and I went to see him on Friday night and his breathing was better than it had been in days. I told DH that there's no way it would be that weekend. Obviously, I was wrong.

I got the call from one of my cousins around 2pm Saturday that he had passed. Apparently, the whole family besides me knew that my uncle had taken a turn for the worse that morning. Most of the family was at the hospital, waiting. I had no idea, because no one called me. I knew that someone would call me when things changed, so since I hadn't heard from anyone, assumed everything was the same. My friend and I took our babies to have Easter pictures made. We were gone all morning, then ate lunch and had planned to go to the church for the Easter egg hunt. I got the call when we were on the way to the church. So I turned around and went back home. My sister-in-law came and took C to the egg hunt, and my friend went home. I went to the hospital. I knew there was nothing I could do at that point, but I wanted to be with my family.

I was upset that no one had called me. I could have been there with them, said goodbye to my uncle. At the same time, I understood why no one called me. They were all stressed out and already grieving. Several of them assumed someone else had alerted me. My aunt's boyfriend (not the wife of the uncle who died!) told me that my uncle would have wanted me to have a normal day, he wouldn't have wanted us all at the hospital watching him die. Which is true. But still. I wish I had known. But its not like I could have been mad at the family during that time. Even though we all knew he was going to die, and soon, it was still hard to watch.

My aunt (his wife) completely lost it when he finally died. They were taking her out of the hospital in a wheelchair when I got there. It was heartbreaking to see. For the rest of the day, she could remember nothing. Her mind completely blocked out her husband's sickness and passing. She kept asking over and over what had happened. Thankfully, she snapped out of that after she got some rest. Though watching her grieve through the funeral was not easy. I can't imagine how it feels to bury your husband of 51 years.

We all stayed at the hospital for a while after my aunt left, I'm not sure why. I got upset when I went in to see my uncle. He looked terrible. Completely different than he had just the night before. It was shocking. But I left his room and we were all talking and I was getting the details from the day, and the sadness just wasn't hitting me. My cousin and I actually went shopping afterwards. I bought a dress, a shirt, and a pair of shoes. I kept thinking how odd it was to be buying clothes when my uncle just died. But it felt okay. I think my cousin and I needed that distance for a little while.

That night, the family at at the church (my home church). Everyone was subdued, but we had several small children there, so they kept the mood lighter than it would have probably been otherwise. Most of my family decided not to go to church on Easter. My husband and I attend a different church now, so we went. I hate to admit it, but I couldn't even tell you what our pastor preached on that morning. C was quiet, but she wouldn't be still, and then at the end of the service she started inexplicably (and quietly) crying, so I had to take her outside. I kept thinking about my uncle's death and I just couldn't concentrate.

C in her Easter dress

After church, we went back to the church to eat lunch with my family. Everyone was in good spirits that time, and after we ate we had an indoor egg hunt for the kids. They had a blast. By the time we left, the toddlers were all having meltdowns because it was past nap time. C fell asleep soon after we got home, but wouldn't let me lay her down. So I decided to lay on the couch with her. She didn't like that idea, either. She started moving all around, kicking me, and just would not be still. At that point, I was exhausted and just needed a break. After a while, I sat her down and told her to go play, and I rolled over and closed my eyes for a few minutes. I got up and started helping DH prepare some food for supper, but nothing was going right. The next thing I knew, I was bawling. I guess my uncle's death finally hit me. I sat on our bed and just cried and cried. C was so sweet; she kept getting closer to me, handing me tissues, and asking me what was wrong. I had already explained to her that my uncle had gone to Heaven, but of course she doesn't understand that concept yet. I told her he's not sick anymore and that he's with Jesus. She asked if she could go live with Jesus in Heaven, too. Yes, I told her, one day you will.

The rest of Easter turned out okay. There was another incident that was pretty stressful, but I won't go into details on that one. By the time we got to my in-law's house, I was about done for the day. My eyes were getting red and by the end of the night I looked like a freaky vampire. (I've been wearing my glasses ever since and I hate wearing glasses!) Thankfully, I got some good sleep that night and felt better Monday morning.

I left work Monday early because we were supposed to eat at the church at 5 and then head over to the funeral home for my uncle's wake. That wasn't sad like you'd think. There was so many people there and everyone was loud, so it was hard to be sad, even with my uncle's body right there beside us. We were supposed to greet people from 7-9pm, but they started coming in at 6:30 and didn't stop until 10. It was exhausting.

Tuesday was the funeral. I didn't go to work at all. We had lunch at the church, and went back for supper. The funeral was tough. Us cousins couldn't sit with the family because the private room was too small, so thankfully I didn't have to watch my aunt's grief or that of her sons, but I still broke down. I rarely cry in front of anyone other than my husband, so that was tough for me. I have virtually no memories of my uncle (or most of my childhood, actually), so I was surprised at myself for being so upset. There's a little of that guilt I mentioned in the title to this post. Why can't I remember more about my uncle? I grew up living next to him and spent a lot of time at his house. I had a wonderful childhood; why on earth have I apparently blocked so much of it out??

By Wednesday, life was back to normal. We've stayed home the past two nights, and I imagine we won't be going anywhere tonight, either. Its good to stay home with just my husband and my daughter.

Here's some more guilt. C has been nursing a lot lately. She had been down to just nursing herself to sleep, and maybe first thing in the morning. But the past few weeks, she's been asking for milk all the time. When I ask her why, she says "because I hungry!" or she'll just smile and tell me she needs it. So far, my policy on breastfeeding her at this age has been "don't ask, don't refuse." Meaning, I don't offer her the breast, but if she asks for it I don't refuse. I'm kinda ready for her to wean, but I want it to be her idea, not mine. Sometimes, I'm able to put her off for a little while ("you can have milk after your bath, or after we do ___"), but most of the time she gets too upset if I tell her to wait. I know some of that if her bein a 2 year old and just not liking when things don't go her way, but what if she really needs something that only breastfeeding can provide? Not the actual milk. I know that she can survive just fine without it at this point. I'm sure its still giving her extra nutrients and filling in the gaps of her toddler diet, and I know my milk is still giving her important antibodies to fight off sicknesses. I firmly believe that her eczema/allergies would be much, much worse if it weren't for breastfeeding. But she gets other benefits from breastfeeding at this age. Benefits that are hard to put into words. She feels safe at my breast; its her home base, her safe place. She gets comfort there. People say she's too old for that now, but I disagree.

Last night, someone posted on facebook in a private group that I'm a member of (a group for "extended" breastfeeding mothers) that her toddler was suddenly wanting to nurse way more than normal. This mama also has a newborn. Someone else replied that the mama was probably spending so much time with the newborn that the toddler needed some one-on-one time and missed the cuddling that she got from breastfeeding, so she decided to "need" it all the time again. That hit me because what if that is my C? Obviously, I don't have another baby to worry about, but what if she's needing more of my time right now? And I'm not there to give it to her, because I'm at work all day. She's away from me for 9 hours, every week day. I miss a lot of her life. She gets a ton of attention from my in-laws, but what if she needs it from her mama?

I know there's no point in beating myself up over something I can't change. But the guilt is still there. That would explain why she's nursing so frequently lately. She could also be going through a growth spurt, who knows. (She did grow 1.5 inches since December, so she's had a growth spurt at some point recently!) This morning when I dropped her off she kept saying she didn't want me to leave. She wasn't whining about it, she just stated the fact. Then she told me to be careful cause there are a lot of cars out there. And she made me promise to come back this afternoon. (I hate making that promise, because what if something happens to me and I don't make it home??) It broke my heart. So yes, I have guilt over leaving her every day.

And there you have it. All (well, not all, but a lot) of the emotions I've been dealing with this week. Its been a struggle, for sure. I've been praying a lot, reading from the Bible, asking God for help and strength and patience. Because what else can I do?? I know that He is with me and that I am not going through all this alone, though. That fact does make it easier. I also know that this tough period won't last forever - at least, I pray it doesn't!!

On Being A Mother

Today I read a blog post by a friend of mine in which she talked about how she had no desire for children before she actually had one. It was so timely because all weekend I've been planning my next blog post in my head, and that was basically the topic! Great minds... ( :

I used to babysit a lot when I was younger. I have three younger cousins (who are now almost grown up - one is even married!) that I used to keep every day after school until my aunt and uncle got home from work. For a few summers, I kept them all day as well. The "job" first began out of necessity and I of course hated having to watch my little cousins all the time. But eventually I came to love it, and we all had the best time together (I remember once cooking them tacos for lunch, and one of them told me I was the best babysitter ever...haha). I babysat other kids in the neighborhood, as well, and when I went to college I sat a few times here and there.

At one point during college I worked at a daycare. On the days I didn't have class, I had the three-year-olds all day, but most of the time I had those precious ones and then all the after-schoolers (who were complete hellions, I might add!). That experience kind of turned me off from kids. I think I had way too many in my class (around 19), and I had such a big range in ages (from 3 to 12), plus I had several special-needs kids (one 5 year old was still in diapers and was basically a baby). I was in no way prepared to handle any of that. I wasn't going to school to work with children, and I certainly had no idea how to handle the special-needs ones. It was extremely stressful every day at work. The point is, after dealing with all those rowdy youngins at the daycare, I had no desire to ever have my own.

I figured eventually I'd have a child or two, because that's just what you do when you're married (right?), but no way would it be before I was in my 30s. DH wanted kids but he was in no hurry, either. After we got married people immediately began asking us when we were gonna have a baby (don't you hate that? Maybe its just a southern thing, where everyone feels they have a right to know all your personal business!). We talked about it and decided we definitely weren't ready.

And then one day, baby fever struck me.

I don't even know what triggered it. I can't remember a specific event. Just one day, I wasn't ready for a child, and then the next, I was. Simple as that. I told DH, who was pretty nonchalant about it - he'd be happy either way. So in December, we threw caution to the wind and said if I got pregnant, so be it. But both of us firmly believed it would take a while. (That's all you hear about, people who take forever to get pregnant, especially people like me who had been on birth control for years and years.) In my mind, we'd be pregnant in about a year.

God had other plans for us! I was pregnant by March, and discovered it in April. Woah! Suddenly it all got real. We were both shocked (and looking back, how stupid was that?? I mean, what did we expect to happen? haha). I honestly believed it would take a while to get pregnant, and I kind of had a feeling I wouldn't be able to conceive. Thankfully, we were both thrilled, too. We didn't waste much time telling everyone we knew about the baby on the way. I documented my whole pregnancy - I made a scrapbook with weekly baby bump pictures. (I am so glad I did that, too! I love looking back and seeing how huge I was.) DH thought it was kinda weird that I did that, but I told him that one day our baby would look at that book and think, wow, my mama was so excited to be carrying me, and so looking forward to meeting me!! 

38 weeks and HUGE! lol

There was a lot I didn't know before C was born (and yes, I'm aware that there's still a lot I don't know now!), but I played it by ear (like I do everything in life), and learned as I went. I used to be scared of newborns - they look so fragile. But the first time I held C in my arms, I knew exactly what to do. Once the nurse showed me how to hold her to my breast and she latched on, it felt like we'd been breastfeeding forever. Everything just felt so natural.

moments after birth ( :

 Oh, sure, we had our moments! C had to spend an extra few days in the hospital due to jaundice, and that first night home was rough. DH and I had no idea what to do when she screamed all night, which she did. We got absolutely no sleep. And the next morning, we fumbled through her first bath by us. And just a few days later, when C's eye got really gunked up, I had to call over my mother-in-law to show me how to take her temperature rectally because I was terrified I'd puncture her bowel. So please don't think that I'm saying I haven't had any challenges as a mother, because that is far from the case!! (I won't even talk about the fact that when she reached 2 or 3 weeks of age, C screamed her head off every night for 3-4 hours for about 3 weeks straight. Nothing we did would calm her.)

Becoming a mother has changed me - for the better. I know everyone says that. But I honestly feel like a better person now. I have more patience (not perfect patience, by any stretch of the imagination, but I am much better than I used to be!). I am more tender and loving. I am less of a cynic (though that part of me does remain). I have learned to rely on myself less and on God more - and yes, I know other people learn that without having a baby, but it took a baby to teach me that one. I eat healthier (pregnancy and breastfeeding makes you think about someone other than yourself!). I am greener/crunchier. Everything is just better. And I have my daughter to thank (well, God, really, but you know what I mean!).

C makes me stop my busy-ness and just enjoy the simple things in life. I love seeing things through her eyes. I love watching her experiencing new things, because it makes them new to me again, too. Just the other day, we saw a ladybug and C said it was beautiful. Well, yes it is. I'd just never thought about it.

The most amazing thing to me is how I finally, finally feel like I've found my place in this world - as a mother. If you had told me that just 5 years ago, I would have laughed in your face. But its true.

In high school, most of my friends knew exactly what they wanted to do with their life - nurse, dental hygienist, mechanic, etc. Not me. I didn't even want to go to college, but my parents insisted. I had no clue what I wanted to do or be. As a result, I fumbled through 5 years of college before completing a degree - in Animal Science, of all things. After graduation, I still had no idea what to do with my degree. My first job was working at a hog farm, and that lasted about 2 weeks. Then I got a job at a pathology laboratory at a big turkey company. I hated it (though I was blessed to make some awesome friends there), but I stayed there for 3 years, until the company downsized and I was laid off. I eventually went back to school and got a Master's degree in Business Administration (mainly to please my dad - he's so proud to have a daughter with an advanced degree!). I've been at my current job for 3 years now, and I really like it. I have the best boss ever, and I really do like my work. And I'm good at my job. But I have always felt just a little off, like I'm not quite not where I need to be - in every job I've ever had. (The closest I felt to right was back in college when I managed a horse farm and worked at 2 others - I still miss that!)

 It hit me this weekend that being a mother is the job for me. I long to do it full-time, and maybe some day I will (God-willing). Even if I don't ever get to be a full-time mama, I will always revel in the moments I get to be with my child(ren). I really feel like I'm in my element then. I don't feel like I have it all under control as a mama, and I don't feel like I don't ever need any help. I do feel like I'm doing a good job and I'm doing what God's called me to do. I feel like I'm finally in my element. So thank you, God, for this blessing of being a mama. I wish I was more eloquent with my words. Hopefully I've conveyed some of my feelings adequately enough here! ( :

Being A Help Meet For Your Husband: Initial Thoughts

In January I was introduced to a book that turned out to be life-changing for me. I've mentioned it several times since then, but haven't felt quite ready to really talk about it yet. I plan to read the book again, but haven't made the time to do it yet, though I think about it almost daily - that's how much of an impact its made on me!

The book is called Created To Be His Help Meet: Discover How God Can Make Your Marriage Glorious by Debi Pearl. I bought it for my Kindle, but you can get it in paper form, as well. One of the many blogs I follow, Baby Chaser, posted at the beginning of this year about how she enjoys mentoring other couples in their marriages. In her post, she talked about how she mentored a friend and gave her this book to read. This blogger is always going on about her "Beloved" (her husband) and how she's always bending over backwards (it seems to me) to please him. I really enjoy her blog and have always thought she had some great ideas. But all this "Beloved" talk was so strange to me. Even though I thought her ideas towards marriage were old-fashioned/impractical/what-have-you, something about that one post called to me. I firmly believe that God speaks to us in all sorts of manners, and I do believe that He uses technology these days! My point is, I felt like God was pointing me to that particular post, which talked about this particular book. Like He was telling me to read this book.

I'll admit, I was very skeptical at first. I'm human; I'm hesitant to really open myself up to Him and let Him in. Sometimes He has to almost hit me over the head with something and make me listen. I downloaded a free sample to my Kindle and didn't touch it for several days. Okay, God, its on my Kindle, I'll get to it eventually. See? I did it. But that wasn't good enough for Him. He kept putting his on my heart and on my mind, so finally I gave in and started reading. I was hooked from the Table of Contents. Seriously. I could tell just by glancing at chapter titles that this was a book HE wanted me to read, and read NOW.

Here's a sample of chapter titles: "So He Isn't Mr. Right;" "The Queen of His Heart;" "Make Love Fun;" "God's Blueprint for Marriage;" "Practice Makes 'Awful' Perfectly Awful;" "Three Kinds of Men;" "God Made Them That Way;" "Marriage Made in Heaven;" "Eve Has Many Sisters;" "How To Be A Good Wife Today;" "I'm About To Have A Nervous Breakdown;" "Raising Cows or Kids;" "The Wife Does Make a Difference;" "Is There Hope Yet?" Get the idea? This book covers a lot of topics and issues. As I was reading, I kept coming up with questions, and Mrs. Pearl answered all my questions before the book was over.

Before I go any further, let me just say that I have been praying for a really long time for God to work in my marriage. I love my dear husband with all my heart, but I knew our marriage was not where it needed to be. I prayed and prayed for God to change it, to change me. I didn't know exactly what I was praying for, I just knew things needed to be different. I knew that somehow, God wanted more for us. (My marriage is still not there yet, and I know that it will be a constant work-in-progress, just like anything worth having in life. But it is better by leaps and bounds, I will tell you!)

I will also say that my husband is a good man. He does not abuse me, he would never cheat on me, he does not watch pornography or do anything else that is morally wrong. He loves me and he loves our daughter, and I know he'd lay down his life for either of us. He's a good man, plain and simple. So its not like I started reading this book hoping for help with dealing with an abusive mate or needing to know how to love him even though he loves porn. I feel for women out there who are dealing with situations like that. My marriage is just a typical marriage, we have typical, normal problems, but nothing that is a "deal breaker."

We love each other, but for a few years now I've felt like I wasn't doing quite enough in my role as wife. There was something out there that was just beyond my reach. I didn't even know what it was, I just knew it was out there. I know now that was God talking to me. He has been (and still is) patiently guiding me to where I need to be. (I'm sure now He's like whew! Finally! She's on the right track! haha)

Before DH and I got married, we were required to attend some premarital counseling with both our preachers (they both married us). I remember we went to those sessions thinking what a waste of time it was. Obviously, we knew each other pretty well, or we wouldn't be getting married! We each knew where the other stood on the important issues, and even most of the unimportant ones. I wish now we had really taken that opportunity to learn more about what it really means to be married. Our counseling sessions didn't turn up anything that was alarming to either of us. The preachers did try to make sure we knew what we were getting into, but we just nodded and smiled and thought that nothing would ever happen to us, we loved each other and that was enough. I'm sure lots of couples go into marriage thinking that.

Photo from our wedding day. EL Photography

 But marriage is hard. If you want to be successful at it, you have to work at it every single day. Its easy to be stubborn and selfish and unloving, and do things your way and pay no regard to your spouse's feelings. That's human nature. Its my nature, at least. I was always told to guard my heart, make sure my spouse loved me more than I loved him because you just never know what can happen. But that is wrong. That's not what God wants for us in marriage at all. Marriage is a constant give and take, and in a marriage both spouses should be equals. And ultimately (and this was the life-changing part for me, because I had never thought about it this way), marriages should glorify God.

So let's get back to the book. Mrs. Pearl reminds us of what the Bible says in Genesis 2:18, 21-22:

"And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him... And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam... and he took one of his ribs... And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man." 

Right there, God tells us women that we are to be help meets for our husbands. Exactly what that phrase means is the question, and we'll get to that. I love how God tells us that he made woman from Adam's rib - a part of his body that is at his side. Woman wasn't made from something on Adam's back, so she would stand behind him, or something from his front, so she would stand ahead of him. Woman was created to walk by man's side, to be his equal. God didn't want Adam to be alone, he wanted him to have a partner to walk this earth with, someone to help him. Proverbs 18:22 says, "Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord." 

All these great verses in scripture have been right there for me my whole life, but no one has ever put them all together and explained them to me in a way that it clicked with me.

"For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man." (1 Corinthians 11:8-9) God wants a wife to be a helper for her husband, plain and simple. Not the other way around. I know what you're thinking, because I thought the same thing: so I'm supposed to bow down to my husband and let him reign over me??! Nope, we'll get to that in a minute. God also made sure to tell husbands how they should treat their wives. And while we're talking about our husbands, I bet you're also thinking "does my husband deserve for me to treat him like a King?! No, he probably doesn't. Christ died for our sins; did any of us deserve for him to do that for us??! NO! We don't deserve anything He has given to us, not a thing. My husband is a sinner, just like me. It doesn't matter that he doesn't deserve for me to treat him with respect or be submissive to him, because its my calling to do so. This is what I was created for: to be my husband's helper (just as he was created to be a helper for the Lord).

I don't know about you, but to me this was pretty mind-blowing.

As my preacher says, but let's look further! ( :

God has given us a blueprint for marriage, as Mrs. Pearl says in the book. Check out these verses:

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything." (Ephesians 5:22-24). 

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord." (Colossians 3:18)

"But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God." (1 Corinthians 11:3)

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her... He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church. ...each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Ephesians 25, 28, 29, 33)

So yes, we as wives are called to submit to our husbands, but husbands are also to love their wives just as Christ loves the church. That's a pretty amazing love. Think of what Christ did for His church. He gave us everything. Husbands are supposed to love their wives with that kind of love. Not because we deserve to be loved like that (because we don't), but because that's what God meant for husbands to do. Just like he meant for us wives to submit to our husbands. See what I mean about marriage being a give and take? You can't just expect your husband to "give himself up for you" if you're not also submitting to him. Its a two-way street.

Mrs. Pearl does a much better job of explaining all this in her book, so I would encourage everyone to go buy it and read it. I am not affiliated with her ministry in any way, and I get nothing if you purchase her book. But it has had such an impact on me that I can't help but tell others about it.

Here's another point that Mrs. Pearl made that really impacted me: when we honor our husbands and submit to them (and basically just be the woman and wife that God made us to be), we are honoring God as well. I have never thought about it like that. Conversely, if we are not honoring our husbands and not being submissive, we are dishonoring God. Woah. That is not what I want at all! I want to honor God in all that I do.

So for me, even though it goes against everything I've heard my entire life, even if its incredibly hard for me to be submissive and respectful, I will strive to be that woman, just so I can honor God. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman (see Proverbs 31:10-31). And I know that I may not ever be rewarded for my efforts in this life. That's okay, because I know God will reward me in Heaven, and that's all that matters. I was put on this life for a purpose, and my purpose is to bring honor to my God (that's everyone's purpose!). Being my husband's help meet brings honor to God, so I have to strive to be that.

I have tons more to say on this topic, but I am going to close this post now so that it doesn't get too long. I would love to hear your ideas and thoughts on this topic of being a help meet to your husband! Is your initial reaction just like mine was? Is this idea nothing new to you? Are you going to read the book, and if you have read it, was it as life-changing for you as it was for me? I think I'll turn this into a series of sort on my blog, since it is something I could go on and on about. So stay tuned for Part 2, where I'll get more into exactly what being a help meet means. This is gonna turn into a full-fledged study of Mrs. Pearl's book! ( :

Wednesday Night Musings

So it's quarter after 11 on a Wednesday night. My child has finally fallen asleep. Yes, at this late hour. She has a wierd sleep schedule lately, but since she's had a bad cold I've been lettin her slide. Unfortunately, she's passed her cold on to me. I've had a sore throat since Monday, and today I've been hacking up a lung all day. Fun times.

C is on the mend with her cold, thankfully. She doesn't sleep well and she doesn't eat much, and she coughs like crazy and her poor nose drips all day, but it hasn't slowed her down any. I wish I felt that good when I'm sick!!

While I'm sittin here rockin her (til I know she's out enough for me to put her down - please tell me I'm not the only mama who has to do that!!), I thought I'd do a general update in our lives this week.

Besides the sickness that's plaguing our house, C has also had to deal with weaning suddenly from her paci. Now we all hate the dreadful pacifier, so none of us were sad to see it go, but I wasn't plannin on doin it quite yet. DH and his family have been pressuring me lately to take the paci away from C, but I didn't want to overwhelm her. She's doing so well with potty training. She seldom has accidents anymore. (She is still in diapers at night.) One thing at a time, I told them.

Well, Monday night sometime after supper, the paci disappeared. It was there and then it wasn't. When C got ready for bed DH and I tore the house apart lookin for that stupid thing. I had another identical paci but C refused it. Eventually we gave up and I told her we just couldn't find it. She teared up a little but nothing like I expected. My girl has been obsessed with her paci. I set rules/limits for it, but she's a master at gettin it when she wants it!

Until Monday night, apparently.

But she made it through that night with no real tears. She asked for it a few times but was always satisfied with my answer. Same thing all day Tuesday, last night, and today. She didn't even ask for it tonight. So I guess we're done with the paci for good! If we happen to find it now its goin in the trash!! haha

I never wanted her to have that dang thing in the first place, and she wouldn't take one for a long time. People pressured me into it, and I stupidly gave in and kept tryin to get her to accept it. I think she was 7-8 weeks when she decided the paci was good. If we ever have a baby I don't intend to give him/her a paci, unless he/she becomes a thumb sucker. That is so much harder to break than a paci.

5 years ago -heck, even 3 years ago - I never would have guessed I would be so wrapped up in a story about a paci. I also never thought I'd have so many conversations about poop and pee!! Funny how motherhood changes you. ( :

Out family had another major thing happen this week, which I can't talk about yet. But the result was very humbling to me. God literally spoke to me and it was awesome. He taught me a tough lesson, but I am so thankful that He is takin the time to work on me. He has healed some old wounds in me this week, and given me a new perspective on a few things. I was very resistant, but I finally gave in and let Him change my heart. What a feeling!! It's amazing what our God can do if you just let Him in. ( :

Confessions

 I have stayed away from blogging this week on purpose. I have a wonderful life that is full of blessings (I am extremely rich, and I don't mean in a monetary way!), but occasionally I get bogged down and discouraged by life. I'm sure everyone feels that way sometimes. Nothing major even has to happen, its just some mornings I wake up and feel like a complete failure, like I can't do anything right. Please tell me I'm not alone in these feelings!

Sometimes this "funk" lasts for days. I try to remember that God hasn't forgotten about me, that He still loves me no matter what and is there for me. But sometimes I am weak. I give in to the "funk" and let myself be in a foul mood and think negative thoughts. And then, He always does something to open my eyes to my sin, something that lifts me right out of the funk and back into His arms.

Its normally nothing big. Actually, sometimes I have to be looking really hard to see His hand at work! Then sometimes He'll practically slap me in the face with it.

Lately, He's been speaking to me through books. Last month, He led me to read a book that was life-changing. I'm working on a post about it, but it was so profound to me and has impacted me so deeply that I find I have a hard time putting my thoughts into written words. I want to make sure I have it right in my head before I put it to paper (er, computer).

This month, God has led me to another book. Actually, I was supposed to finish it last month (its part of the book club I'm participating in this year). But I had some days of the "funk" and I resisted reading what He laid in front of me. I knew it was for my own good, but I resisted anyway.

The other night, I decided to try to crawl out of the funk and I made myself read from this book again. Wow. Its like it was written for me, at this moment in my life. Again, I can't say much about it because I need to sort it out in my head first. I haven't finished the book yet anyway. But, thank GOD, I am out of the funk once again. As always, God was there for me and pulled me through.

You'd think eventually that wouldn't be necessary, that I'd learn not to let myself get to that point, huh? But no, I know I will always need Him to help me. I am weak and I am a sinner. But He has proven that with Him I can be anything. ( :

So I was avoiding blogging because I thought to myself, why blog about all these happy things when I don't feel happy right now? When I don't have everything together or figured out? Well, that's kind of the point of blogging for me. I don't have it all figured out. I don't have it all together. I'm working on it. I might not ever get there, but I am a work in progress. I've decided I don't need to have it together to be a blogger. I can be imperfect (human) and still blog about my life. And maybe this is better, because now I can share the story of how God works on me and in my life to make me more what He wants me to be.

Hopefully soon I'll have a chance to sort out my thoughts on these two books so that I can blog about them. I also have a long list of projects I want to tackle around the house. In the meantime, here's a picture that my husband took last night. C wanted to help me wash dishes. I let her rinse the easy items. ( :

Ain't she cute in her big girl panties? Potty training is going really well!!! ( :

Bible In One Year App

One of my resolutions for 2013 is to spend more time with God. My plan is to pray more, read the Bible more, read more "spiritual growth" books, and help others more. Its day 28 of the new year and I'm doing pretty well in my goals, except for the help others part. Though I did have an idea last night that will hopefully come to fruition sometime this year!

I think I mentioned before that my friend's church has started a book club this year. Its called 5 Star Woman. In the club, we read a book every month and the church has meetings (twice a month, I think) to discuss the book. Unfortunately, I probably won't ever be able to attend any of the meetings (they're on Monday nights at 7, and its over an hour drive for me), but I am trying to follow along, and my friend passes on the extra stuff to me after the meetings. I am very behind on the first book. For some reason, I just can't get into it. I think its because I started it, then decided to start a new "for fun" book (part of the series I blogged about Friday). I got so into the new book that reading something nonfiction just seemed so boring! I read a little more on Saturday, and I am not allowing myself to purchase any other books until I finish this one for the book club. I know it'll be good for me, so I'm gonna stick with it.

I also decided to read through the Bible this year. I have read the entire Bible before, but it was years ago. And it took me THREE YEARS to finish. I know, I know. In my defense, I was in college at the time. Still no excuse. I am determined to read the whole thing before 2014. I have a great study bible that I got as a teenager, and its got a one year plan in it. But I decided to try something different this time. I wanted a way that would almost guarantee I'd actually do the reading, a way that would enable me to always have the Bible with me (or at least that day's reading) without having to actually carry a heavy book around.

So I searched for an app! Obviously, reading the Bible from an app doesn't give you the same feeling as flipping through the crinkly pages of an actual Bible, but I figure if it gets the job done, why not? I think Jesus would use technology to get the Word out there, if He were here now. Back in His day, they wrote stuff on stone tablets. You don't hear anyone condemning people for not reading God's Word that way nowadays, do you? So I'm completely cool with using modern technology to learn about the Word.

Anyway, I already use my iPhone first thing every morning to record my waking temperature (my husband and I practice Natural Family Planning - more on that later!). My logic was if I had a Bible app on my phone, after I recorded my temperature I could just open the app and do my reading for the day. For a few weeks, that was a wonderful idea. And then my daughter decided she didn't like to sleep at night anymore - not for long periods of time, anyway - and I was like a zombie in the mornings. Still am, actually. :/  So lately I've been doing my daily readings at night, while I'm rocking her to sleep. I prefer to read from the Bible early in the morning - I feel like it just starts my day out better - but I gotta do what I gotta do these days!

I have done pretty well with keeping up with the readings. Sometimes on the weekends I get behind, like this weekend. Last night, I had to do Saturday's reading as well as Sunday's. But that's okay.

The app was free in the app store, and its called simply Bible In One Year, or BiOY as it appears on my phone. I thought about shelling out the few bucks to get a paid app, but I decided to give this one a try, and I am so glad I did. I love the way its set up. The author is Nicky Gumbel, a vicar of a church in London. Admittedly, I haven't read much about Mr. Gumbel or his church, so I can't say anything about that. The church is called HTB and I can't figure out what HTB stands for, haha. Mr. Gumbel is also the founder of something called Alpha, which seems to be an organization to introduce the Word to people. I am gonna have to read more about these two groups, because they both seem very interesting.

Anyway, Mr. Gumbel's app has daily readings from the book of Psalms or Proverbs, the New Testament, and the Old Testament. After each section of scripture, he gives a commentary. They're usually pretty short, but enlightening. Each day's reading is prefaced with a short story that ties into the day's reading. At the end, Mr. Gumbel's wife Pippa always adds a little tidbit, just something that stuck out to hear in the day's reading and her reaction to it. Its always a very short paragraph, but I enjoy it.

Because of this app, I actually look forward to reading from the Bible every day. Let's face it, some of that stuff is pretty dull. And a lot of it is hard to understand (for me, at least). I like having someone help me to understand what I've just read every day. I'm even enjoying reading the Old Testament because of the way Mr. Gumbel has broken it down.

All in all, I am thrilled that I decided to give this app a chance. If the author decides he needs to start charging for it, I will gladly pay the fee - that's how much I love it. For now, though, I am tickled that I don't have to pay for it! Don't you just love how no matter what you need to do, "there's an app for that??" ( :

Expectations

Today I'm sitting at home, propped up in my bed with my laptop, not doing much. Tomorrow morning I'm having a colonoscopy done (if you've ever had one, you know how much fun the day before is!), and the stuff I've had to take in preparation has made me nauseous and sick feeling. So I'm not doing much besides reading and blogging. And reflecting. Which can be a bad thing, but since my mood lately has been good, my reflections are positive. ( :

Our vacation last weekend was not quite what I expected or had hoped for, but we did have some good times. We just spent too much time in the car for my liking. The mountains were absolutely beautiful; we timed it perfectly at the peak of the leaves' fall colors. I would have loved to have stayed in a cabin in the woods and just soaked in all that beauty. We went to a place called Cade's Cove. Its a state park and is really gorgeous. It's where I took the most pictures.

Even though our vacation was less than perfect, this past week at home has almost been. I feel closer to my husband than I have in a really long time. I feel more at peace in general. I'm leaning on God more and trusting in Him. I can't say what happened, because nothing specifically did. I just finally realized I needed to let go and let God, as the saying goes. Let God worry about all the stuff I was worrying about. He's got it in His hands; its all good. I can't even say when exactly I made this realization, it was more gradual. But the past few days I feel so much lighter, and like I said, more at peace. God has a plan, and all I have to do is follow Him and remember that He's got it under control. Not always easy, but easier than tryin to do it on my own!

I guess the moral here is things don't always happen like you expect them to, but sometimes the end result is better than you expected.

My fall resolutions

What? People make New Years' Resolutions, why can't I make ones for fall? ( :

Actually, I never make resolutions in January because I found that I never kept them and was always disappointed in myself later in the year when I realized that I hadn't done anything I said I would do. But every once in a while, I make "mini-resolutions" to improve myself and my life. Those are infinately more easy for me to stick to. Maybe the pressure of starting a new year and new things to do is just too overwhelming to me. Who knows.

Earlier this year (in February, not January), I resolved to work on making the house more organized. Its not happening overnight, but I am making progress. My first project was to work on our bedroom closet. That was before I started this blog, so I don't have documentation. But I went through all the clothes in there (mine and DH's) and donated everything we don't wear regularly. (Maybe I shouldn't say "regularly" because there is still a ton of clothes in there, and there is no WAY we wear all that on a regular basis. But I do occasionally go through the clothes again and donate more.) I organized my shoes and all the shoe boxes that I hoard. (Its a sickness, I guess! But you never know when you'll need a shoe box...!) I organized our kitchen cabinets and pantry. I decluttered in our bedroom. I even got rid of our bulky kitchen table and bought a smaller one that better suits our space (not really an organization project, but it makes the kitchen/dining room look so much bigger and neater). Then I organized the medicine cabinet. I also resolved earlier this year to start cooking more. Before that, DH did practically all the cooking. But I decided it was my job, too, and I dove in to the world of cooking. I'm not great at it, but I try really hard! And I know my husband appreciates the effort, even if it doesn't always turn out so good. ( :

Maybe that's not such a long list considering I began this journey almost 9 months ago. But I am pleased with my progress and proud of myself for actually doing it. If you know me personally, you understand why these little things are such a big deal to me. I'm very much a "go with the flow" type of gal, and I don't get too worked up over things like an unorganized medicine cabinet. All these changes take huge efforts on my part. So I'm excited to see what else I tackle and change around the house.

I follow several blogs, and many of them are taking part in an October challenge in which they post every day this month and all the posts are related to a certain topic. I am thoroughly enjoying them all! I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up with a daily blogging challenge at this point in my life, so I didn't even try to jump on that bandwagon, but my metaphorical hat goes off to you ladies who are keeping it up!

One of the blogs, Our Front Porch View, is doing 31 days to a more intentional life. I love that topic, but I can't imagine how hard it is for her to come up with a new topic daily! She has really opened my eyes to some things I need to work on in my life. I don't have it all sorted out in my head just yet, so I can't write about it, but I know the gist of what I want to see change in my life.

I want to make more memories with my daughter. I have a tendency to come up with ideas or buy craft supplies and then save them for "later" or a rainy day. And then "later" comes or we get a rainy day, and I don't do it. Like carving a pumpkin. She's old enough now to enjoy that, but I keep putting it off. Saturday we WILL carve a pumpkin together!!

Last night, DH and I took C down the road to our neighbor's farm to see his donkeys. We live on a farm, too, but we don't have donkeys. We can hear them all the time when we're playing in our yard, and C has been asking about them for a while now. DH and I always tell her "one day" we'll go see the donkeys. Well, yesterday after work, C and I were playing outside and she heard a donkey and asked where it was. I found DH and told him we needed to go see it, and we did. C loved it! That's the kind of thing I want to do more of. She's only going to be little once, and I don't want to regret not doing more with her.

Another thing I am resolving to do is find time to ride my horses more. Horses used to be my entire life, and I've lost that part of myself since becoming a mother. I know most women lose part of their former selves when they have a child, but I again, I don't want to look back with regret. Right now, I only ride every once in a while. Though when I get the chance to ride, I make the most of it and enjoy every minute. I never feel more at home than when I'm in the saddle (or bareback!)!. A while back, I decided to try getting up super early and riding some mornings before work. I did it one day and wasn't able to do it anymore. I want to try again. I'm not sure how it will work since the time is about to change, and I don't know what time it will be light enough to ride. But I'm hoping that it will work out. The time changes in just a few weeks, so I plan to start then. I think riding more often will make me feel so much better, and I'll be happier. And everyone knows a happier mama makes a happier home!

I'm also resolving to quit being a "lurker" in the blog world. All those blogs I follow, and I have never posted a comment on most of them! I don't have much of a following here (yet), so I know how it feels not to get comments. If I read a blog post and have a reaction to it, I am going to start commenting. It only takes a few seconds. I already started that one today. I commented on several posts. ( :

I also vow to spend more time with God. Reading His Word, I mean. I'm hoping to find an App for daily devotionals, since I know if its on my phone I'll be more inclined to read it. I downloaded an App last week, but I haven't been good about reading it because I don't care for the tone of the devotionals I read. So I'm taking suggestions for daily devotional apps!

There are several other things floating around in my mind, but this is all I'm really committing to for now. Baby steps, right? ( :