Thoughts on the Birth Experience

I think I mentioned on the blog recently that I am currently expecting Baby #2. We found out a few weeks ago that it's another healthy girl! Everyone was shocked; this pregnancy is SO different from my last that we all just knew it was a boy. I can't say we're disappointed, though! She's healthy and that's really all that matters to us. Plus, now we don't have to stress about our living situation; C and the new baby can share a room easily. We don't even have to buy much at all for this kid!

Since C's birth was so intervention-ridden, I've really been focusing this time on having a completely natural labor and delivery. When I was pregnant with C, I was completely caught up in her progress every week, and spent hours each week reading about her development, and marveling at the changes my body was going though. Which is all well and good, but I didn't spend much time at all preparing for her birth. Huge mistake (for me, anyway). I know so many people who say, "oh, just go with it, get the drugs the doctors offer you, as long as you have a healthy baby nothing else matters." But you know what? Having a good birth experience matters to me, too. Having been down this road before, I know more of what to expect this time around. And I know that my body does not react well to the pain medication typically given during labor. I am at peace with C's birth, but I will always regret not becoming more educated beforehand.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not ignoring the miracle that is this child growing inside me! I worried for a while that I was focusing too much on the upcoming labor and that I wasn't taking time to just enjoy being pregnant. Thankfully, that's not the case anymore. Since I've done this once already, I don't feel the need to read all the pregnancy books or websites again. This time, I don't need to know which week her ears start working or when she's first able to smile in the womb. My belly is growing much faster than it did with C, and I marvel at that. And I absolutely love feeling this little one move around in there. I've been feeling her since week 15 very regularly. (I felt C move at 15 weeks, too, but not consistently.) She's very active! I truly do love being pregnant.

Well, I do NOT love this terrible hip pain associated with this pregnancy.  Its debilitating at times, which is concerning since I'm only at week 21. I had bad hip pain with C, too, but it didn't start until around week 30 and it was never debilitating at all. This time, my hip pain started (right side only) in week 10 and has progressively gotten worse. I see a chiropractor every 2 weeks, and I truly believe that is helping me, but its not alleviating the pain. I acquired some crutches this weekend, and once my friend Jessica finishes my super-cool crutch pads, I'll start walking with them at night when the pain is the worst. Hopefully, crutches will not become a full-time thing for me, but I've read it happens. I'm in pain literally all the time now, and I'm trying to stay upbeat, but sometimes its hard. But I digress.

When I first discovered I was pregnant, I immediately started doing research on natural birth. I read a LOT of stuff, and debated actually taking a class. Ultimately, I decided not to take a class at the hospital, as it will likely focus on the available drugs and hospital policies. Unless it is absolutely necessary, there will be no drugs in my system this time. I already know how they make me feel, and I don't like it.

For a while, I went back and forth between wanting to learn Lamaze or the Bradley Method. I've heard great things about both methods for natural childbirth. A friend of mine studied the Hypnobabies course while she was pregnant, and she said it was the only thing that got her through labor until she needed the spinal for her needed c-section. Hearing her talk about the program, I knew I wanted to at least look into it.

My friend lent me her course materials, and I dived right in. From the beginning of the book, I had a feeling this was the right method for me. Its still pretty weird for me to talk about (or even think about!), because its just SO different than what everyone else does. But I've never been one to just do what everyone else does. ( ;  Since I'm starting the course so early in my pregnancy, I'm focusing 2 weeks on each lesson. There are 5 lessons total, so this plan will get me through week 30. After that, I'll do the maintenance stuff, which I haven't read about in the book yet. My friend says the key is to practice often. So far, that's proven difficult, so I'm glad I'm giving 2 weeks to each lesson.

I started the course a week ago, and since then I've only been able to do 3 hypnosis sessions. They were amazing, though. I was hooked after the first one! I felt wonderful the entire session. I could hear what was going on around me, and knew that if need be, I could quickly "snap out of it," so to speak. (In fact, one time I had to do just that as DH interrupted me.) During the sessions, my body feels extremely heavy, but in a good way. Its almost like I have pain medication in my system, but I can stop it at any time. I think it'll really help during labor. Right now, I'm using it to help me manage my hip pain. If I could practice daily, I think it would be really beneficial. Hopefully, I will get into a routine with it so I can do it daily or at least every other day.

I'll be sure to post updates on the Hypnobabies course throughout the remainder of my pregnancy. It'll be interesting to see how other people react to my decision to use this method, since it is so different. I'm also curious to see if my feelings towards it change over the weeks. Right now, I feel awkward with it and like I should keep it a secret, but who knows, maybe soon I'll be an advocate. Ultimately, if it helps me have the natural birth I so desperately want, I don't care what anyone else thinks. After all, I'm the one who has to go through labor!!

Fall Changes

Ah, life. I feel like I'm so busy all the time, but when I look back and try to write about what's been going on that's had me so busy, I come up empty-handed. What have I been doing with myself?? I've come to the conclusion that just life in general is busy and crazy. Even when I don't have events going on. And that's okay. Its my life, and I love it. ( :

Not all the time, of course. Well, maybe I shouldn't say that, exactly. Its not that I have true moments when I just hate my life. Hate certain situations, yes. Either way you look at it, I'm not happy-go-lucky all the time. My glass is not always half full.

I'm on the quest to find a new blog to follow. I know, I know, I need another blog to read like I need another hole in my head. But this blog I'm looking for will be different. All of the blogs I follow are written by stay-at-home-moms. And I love that. For them. I'm truly happy that these women can be with their kids every day. And I love that they have enough time to blog so people like me can read and learn from them.

But its hard to relate to SAHMs. And I feel like maybe they can't really relate to women like me, who have to work full-time and still figure out how to manage a family. I would love to be able to stay home with my daughter (and any future kids we may be blessed with), and I would love to eventually homeschool her, but right now that's not a possibility. No, I'm not giving up my dream of doing just that. Maybe one day it'll happen. But its time to stop daydreaming and start living in the here and now.

I'll still follow my beloved blogs by the SAHMs - they are good inspiration for me, and I truly love reading their stuff. I just want to find a good blogger who is a working mama. There's got to be some of us out there, right? Or are we all just too busy to do it all and blog about it? Cause I know that's my problem. I struggle with keeping up with all my normal, every day stuff - throwing a blog into the mix is almost impossible. Which is why this baby doesn't get updated daily. Or even weekly sometimes.

I want to read about someone else who is struggling like I am. Struggling with having to be away from home 50+ hours a week and not having enough time after work to get things done that need to be done. Struggling with the fact that I leave my child every day to be raised by someone else. Struggling with the fact that I miss out on so many moments with her, and that I missed so many of her firsts. Struggling with coming home and trying to be the wife God has called me to be, and the mother He has called me to be, all while being exhausted from working all day. Struggling to cook good meals for my family when I am home just a few waking hours every day. Struggling with wanting to spend time with my daughter after work, but needing to wash clothes and cook supper, etc.

Don't get me wrong, I know SAHMs struggle, too. I know they're busy. I know that. I know when you're home all day with a toddler or a baby its hard to get stuff done, and I know how an entire day can go by without you realizing it. But its still a different struggle. Cause us working moms have to deal with all that, plus our mommy-guilt over not being with our kids all day. At least, I do. Every day, it kills me to leave C with her grandma. Even though I know my MIL is doing an excellent job with her, and C is shaping up to be a nicely mannered girl.

So when I get home at 5:45 with her, I want to just drop everything and play with her, make memories with her, do stuff with her. Instead, I have time to take just a few minutes to talk with her, maybe read a quick story, then I have to rush around and start supper, do laundry, what have you. Otherwise, I'll spend my entire Saturday doing nothing but cleaning. As it is, I spend at least 1-2 hours on Saturdays just cleaning. And I feel guilty for doing that, cause Saturdays are supposed to be our days together. Guilt is so powerful.

Sure, C helps me around the house. She likes to "help" in the kitchen when I cook - but not all the time. She likes to help get clothes out of the dryer, or put them in. She likes to help hang wet clothes on the drying rack. She likes to "sweep" with her little broom while I sweep the house. So we're spending time together, and I have to remind myself that that's what's important. It doesn't really matter what we're doing. And I know that having her help me do housework is good for her.

But some nights I lay her in her bed and think wow, we didn't do anything fun tonight. We just worked. And it makes me sad.


So, I'm gonna make a few changes in my life. (Again. I feel like I am constantly doing that! But I guess that's good, cause it means I am constantly trying to improve myself, right?) Three weeks ago, my iPhone was stolen. (Yeah, that was a fun day.) Since then, my boss hasn't given me a new one. At first, I was pretty bummed, and couldn't wait for a new phone. Now, though, I kind of like it. I didn't realize how attached I was to that thing. I still have my other cell phone, so I've gone back to using it. I can talk and text on it, and that's it. Sometimes it would be nice to have a smart phone (like when I need directions!), but for the most part, I don't need it. Its been nice to be "unplugged" a bit. I don't have my phone attached to my hand at all times anymore, so I'm not constantly checking facebook and my email. Or taking random pictures. I have, however, taken way more "real" photos with my nice camera.

However, I still have the iPad. Its big and bulky and heavy, and I don't like using it, but its easier than my laptop, so I do use it quite a bit now. I don't use it to check email and facebook as much as I was with the phone, but I still do it more than necessary. So I'm gonna put a stop to that. Starting tonight. Tonight, I will not touch the iPad until I'm rocking C to sleep. Instead of taking a few minutes after supper (and before bath time) to scroll through facebook, I'm gonna play with my daughter. I'm gonna squeeze in as much time with her as possible. When she's asleep and I lay her down, I'm gonna put the iPad away for the night. If I don't go right to bed, I'm gonna talk to my husband. Instead of ignoring him like its so easy for me to do.

And tomorrow morning when I'm eating my breakfast, instead of opening up the iPad and checking facebook and Instagram, I'm gonna do a Bible study. It just hit me earlier today that during breakfast is the perfect time for me to do Bible study. I always eat alone, since DH is gone by then and C's not up yet, but every morning I eat and stare at the iPad. I attempt to do Bible study at night, after C is asleep, but I'm normally too exhausted to do it then, and some nights I don't even lay her down until 11 or after, then I need to get to sleep myself. So breakfast and Bible study it is. I'm kinda excited to start tomorrow. And I wish I had thought of this sooner!

What else? Well, I'm finally gonna make a budget. I've been talking about it for a year almost, and its time to get serious. That's my plan tonight, actually. I want to sit down with DH and get him to help me. I want to be smarter with my money. Even if I'm never able to be a SAHM, I need to do this. And if I'm ever gonna be able to be a SAHM, I need to do this. No matter how you look at it, I need to do this!

Starting this week, I'm also gonna get back into meal planning. I haven't done it for several months, and supper time has been so stressful. This time, though, I want to do it a little differently. I want to meal plan and shop accordingly. The last time I did meal planning, I just planned meals based on what we had already. Which was fine, and its a good way to go through your pantry/freezer/frigde. I'll be doing that again, and then when its time to buy groceries, I want to shop with a plan of what we'll be cooking. Eventually, I want to try once a month shopping, but at first I think weekly or hopefully bi-weekly shopping will do. We need to cut out these little quick grocery store trips. And I want to cut out all this eating out we've been doing lately. (Well, its only once a week or so, but it adds up!)

The last change I want to make is to employ a home management schedule. I started one a while back and stuck to it for a while, but for whatever reason I just abandoned it. I need to go back and think on that, figure out what went wrong so I don't make the same mistakes this time around. My house cleaning goal is to do a little bit every day, so that I can have the weekends to have fun. A little cleaning on Saturdays is okay, but I don't want to be doing heavy cleaning every Saturday. Plus, more often than not, I end up gone for at least part of the day on Saturdays, so my house needs to be in order prior to that.

In reality, I end up just doing the bare minimum during the week (keeping the kitchen clean, washing clothes, sweeping - which is a daily task for me), and on Saturday mornings I find myself having to vacuum, dust, clean the bathrooms, etc. Luckily, it doesn't take me all day since I live in a small house. But I feel like I could be using my time better during the week.

No, I don't have a lot of time between the time I get home from work and the time I put C to bed, and I want to spend as much time with her as possible, but I also want to spend as much time with her on Saturdays as possible. If that means sacrificing just a few more minutes with her each night to do something quick (like wiping down the bathrooms so they don't need to be scrubbed on the weekend), then so be it. More likely, it'll mean "sacrificing" a few minutes on facebook each evening. I can do that. I'm already halfway there, since I don't have the easy temptation of the iPhone to deal with anymore. I can do it!

Okay, normally when I write things down and blog about it, I do it. Hopefully that'll be the case this time. This blog will hold me accountable, like it has for so many other things before. Wish me luck! Oh, and if you know of any bloggers who are in my situation, please share! Cause I truly want to read about other women like me! ( :

Discipline

Discipline of children is controversial topic. I'm not known for shying away from such topics, though! (As evidenced by my entire blog page dedicated to Natural Family Planning, and my frequent mention of breastfeeding - and I have a post (or several) in the works about breastfeeding and "extended" breastfeeding, too!) In "real life," I love to get into topics like this with friends. Most of my friends have the same views as I do, but I do have friends who are Atheist, different Christian denominations from me, or very liberal (hello, I am the most conservative person you'll ever meet), so from time to time I find myself in a riveting discussion. I love it. ( :

What I don't love is having to actually discipline my child. Its hard. Growing up, Mama always said "this hurts me way more than it hurts you." I never believed her, of course, but now I see that she was right. I want to just love and cuddle with my daughter and never have to discipline her. BUT, she will never grow to be a good Christian woman if we don't raise her right. Can I get an "Amen?"

My husband and I were raised pretty much the same way - you obey your parents, don't give them any lip, and don't misbehave. Or else you got a spanking (or a whippin, as some people call it).

Ephesians 6:1-3 - Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land."

I know a LOT of people nowadays say that spanking is wrong and evil, and makes children grow up to be messed up in the head or abusers, but I don't agree with that. DH and I are perfectly normal (gasp! Despite having been spanked!!) adults with no inclinations towards physical abuse. We don't hate our parents for disciplining us the way they did. And I know tons of people just like us. Maybe its just a Southern thing. Maybe someone in California will read this and be completely appalled. *shrug* My suggestion, if that's your opinion, is to stop reading now. ( :

We spank our child. She is not abused, we do not hurt her. But when she is being blatantly disobedient, she will get popped on her hiney.

Proverbs 12:24 - Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

 Now, I realize she's only 2 years old (well, almost 3 now!) and she doesn't always know the difference between right and wrong yet. But my husband and I both firmly agree that she does know quite a bit, and when she knows not to do or say something and does it anyway, she should be punished. Now, here someone will say "put her in time out" or "take away her toys," or even "just ignore her bad behavior and reward her good behavior." Sorry, folks, that kind of "discipline" doesn't always cut it.

"Time out" doesn't work yet for us. C doesn't quite understand what I mean and there's just no way she can sit still on command for any amount of time. I don't expect her to do that, anyway (hello, she's a toddler - they can't sit still, like, ever). In order for her to actually sit in time out, I'd have to sit beside her and physically restrain her from moving. Not happening. Besides, doesn't that go against "ignoring bad behavior?" Hmm...

Speaking of that, that's the silliest thing I've ever heard in terms of discipline. (Sorry if that offends anyone.) I'm not saying that sometimes I don't overlook C's temper tantrums - cause sometimes I do. If she's clearly overtired from skipping a nap or from a big day, I can expect at some point before the day's over she'll have a meltdown. And when I say meltdown, I mean she'll throw herself on the floor, kicking and screaming. I can ignore those tantrums. Even if I think her reason is dumb, I know she's exhausted and really can't help herself. So if I'm in a position to ignore her, that's what I do.

BUT, if she's having a tantrum because she made a mess with her toys and I told her to clean it up (which she is totally capable of doing; she cleans up her messes all the time), I'm not going to ignore that. That's disobedience. And she knows better. Yes, she's not even 3 years old, but her mental level is higher than her physical age. (I know lots of parents think their kid is a genius, but seriously, my kid is super smart. Not bragging; it just is what it is. Physical stuff is more challenging for her.)

Sometimes, C will throw a fit (as we say down here) if I don't do something exactly to her liking. Like this morning. I was eating breakfast and C wanted a bite of my toast. No problem, but I told her I would hold it for her (it was peanut butter toast, and I didn't have time to clean up the inevitable mess if she held it herself). Well, she didn't like that idea at all. Threw herself down and completely lost it. It was probably one her her worst tantrums ever (and that's saying a lot, cause she's had some doozies!). Exactly what I don't need first thing in the morning. At first, I ignored her. After all, she had just woken up, and since I'm totally not a morning person, I can sympathize with waking up on the wrong side of the bed. But then she just kept getting worse and worse - and louder and louder.

I guess technically I employed several different methods of discipline this morning. First, I tried the ignoring method. Didn't work. Just made her up her game (i.e, throwing her beloved stuffed animals at me). Next, I tried the spanking method. (Really, just a quick pop, not a beating like you're probably picturing.) That didn't phase her at all. Finally, I snatched up those animals and threw them on top of the fridge. That really ticked her off. *sigh* The entire time, I was trying to calm her down and reason with her (ha! Reason with a toddler?! Yeah, right.). I finally went to my bathroom and shut the door. Yeah, I probably won't be winning any Mom of the Year awards, but sometimes you need to get some distance and gain a little perspective on a situation, you know? And sometimes when its 7:30 in the morning and you're already not a morning person, you just need a 10 second break from the screaming so you can calm yourself and not completely lose it.

Well, that got through to my daughter this morning. She immediately calmed down. She was actually good as gold until I dropped her off at her grandma's. I did have a talk with her about how it is not acceptable behavior to act like she did, even if she was mad about not being able to hold the toast (which I'm sure was extremely important to her). That's the second or third talk we've had to have this week about her behavior. I hope this phase ends soon!

On the way to work, I talked to my husband, who is just as lost as I am here. We're not quite sure how to handle these tantrums our daughter is insistent on having so regularly lately. We just know that we can't allow her to get away with acting this way. I think with our child, when she's a little older time out will be pretty effective. I also think in certain situations, taking away toys will work now. But if she's not actively playing with a toy, taking away something won't have any affect, in my opinion.

I know some people would tell me to just give in and not be so stern. After all, is it really that big of a deal to let her hold the dang toast and just clean up the mess? No, its not. BUT, I had already told her no. End of story. I (and my husband) have no intentions of giving in to our child's every whim. She needs to know that you don't always get everything you want, when you want it. Our job is not to be her best friend, but to raise her so that she'll one day be a God-fearing, Christian woman with good values and morals.

Proverbs 22:6 - Train a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. 

It has to start now, when she's still young and impressionable. We can't wait until she's a wild teenager with no respect for her parents. Its too late then.

And you know what? I might not have all the answers (not even close!), but I know I'm on the right track. How do I know? Because every single time C calms down from a tantrum, she comes to me, apologizes, hugs me, and tells me she loves me. She doesn't want to disappoint me or make me angry. She wants my approval and my affection.

Proverbs 29:17 - Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart. 

Yes, I know Bible verses can be taken way out of context. Not the case here. God was pretty clear on this topic - we have to discipline our children to save them from Sheol (Hell).

Proverbs 23:13-15 - Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. My son, if your heart is wise, my heart too will be glad.

I don't think "strike him with a rod" means to literally beat your kid with a metal rod, either. Nowhere does God say "knock your kid out when he misbehaves." So don't take that part so literally, like some people do. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the argument that "the Bible condones child abuse." Nonsense. God wants His children to obey him, and if we don't He will punish us. As parents, our children are expected to obey us in the same manner, and if they don't, God expects us to punish them.

Hebrews 12:11 - For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

And that's the goal. "The fruit of righteousness." Children are a blessing from God, and our job is to train them in God's ways. Every child and adult of God is one less in Satan's army. 

I know this sounds terribly "old-fashioned," conservative, and maybe ignorant to some people. That's okay. As Christians we are called to live apart from the world and its gray areas. The world has made us think its okay to be lackadaisical in our faith and our Christian walk - but it's not okay. How we are to live has been laid out for us in God's book. No, its not easy, but its what we are called to do. 

Please don't think that me saying this means I'm already "there;" on the contrary, I struggle with this very thing. Following God's Word is often "against the grain" of society. And I'll be the first to admit I often fail. Luckily, God knows I'll never be perfect and has already forgiven me. I just have to keep trying - and I have to do my best to make sure I raise my daughter according to His guidelines. 

Weekend Recap and Other Awesomeness

Ugh, I am SO unmotivated today! Mainly because I can't take a decent breath. I don't know if I've pulled a muscle from all my coughing spells over the past 10 days, or if I have pleurisy (which I get all the dang time, so you'd think I'd know), or bronchitis, but my right lung/chest HURTS when I breathe. I'm still coughing, though not as frequently as I was last week. I can now breathe through my nose, though I still have to blow it quite a bit. I guess not being able to breathe deeply makes you tired, cause I have no energy today.

Yesterday afternoon, I ran around in the yard with C, kicking balls. It was fun, but man did it wear me out! Am I goin to the doctor?  Nah, probably not. If I thought I had a sinus infection I'd be there to get some drugs, but I don't think they can do anything for this right now. So unless I get a whole lot worse, I'll just complain about it. :P (Just kidding, complaining will cease now!)

We had a great weekend. Saturday morning, me and C headed to town to find some tap shoes. On Friday during my lunch break, I went to the consignment store and bought her some tap shoes, but they ended up being too small. I also got a few leotards and skirts, which thankfully fit just fine - yay for consignment! I found some ballet slippers at Target, and they were too small as well.

Of course, Once Upon A Child (consignment) didn't have any tap shoes in C's size, but luckily I got a full refund. Next, we hit up Michael's, where I scored some ribbon on clearance for $1. I made a beautiful hair bow for her, and forgot to take a picture (haha). I'll try to get on that (and a bow tutorial) soon! We exchanged the ballet slippers at Target for a larger brand, then went on a search for tap shoes.

Luckily, we hit pay dirt at Payless. C is totally in love with her shoes and wants to wear them all the time. And I have to say, she's pretty much a natural at tapping. ( :

Hopefully that video will play! If not, here's a still:

She tapped all over the house for me, and after her long nap (in her CRIB!!), we went to my mama's house, where she tapped for her, my cousin, and my grandma. I love that kid. ( :

Yesterday, she was alternating between the tap shoes and the ballet slippers to dance for her daddy - so cute.

After church yesterday, we headed to my aunt's for a birthday lunch for my cousin. We had a good time, and got to eat some of my aunt's delicious chocolate pound cake with cream cheese icing! Yum. Of course, we stayed over there through nap time, and when we got home, C wasn't about taking a nap. So her and I played outside while DH worked on the chicken and rabbit pens.

C and I had so much fun playing outside. We played with the balls, she rode her tricycle, we swung on the swingset, and she had a blast on the slide. I cherish times like that. Then one of DH's friends stopped by to show us what he bought at the livestock sale that morning, and somehow we ended up with 6 guinea keets! When they get big enough, we'll turn them loose so they can eat bugs around the farm. Our farm will never be quiet again! If you're not familiar with guineas, they are LOUD - like, obnoxiously loud.

Anyway, after we got over our new bird excitement (note my sarcasm), C and I hopped on Sunshine bareback. Then C kicked me off so she could ride by herself, haha. I didn't feel up to giving her a "lesson," so I just walked around with her. She didn't care! I'm so glad she loves horses already. ( :

Speaking of birds, our baby ducks are still going strong! Well, 8 of them are. We lost 1, but that was expected cause he was very weak. I'm happy. Mama duck is doing a great job at protecting them. They hang out in the pond a lot, but have also been hanging out around the chicken pens - which is pretty farm from the pond, so they must be strong babies.

All in all, it was an excellent weekend. The only thing that would have made it better if is I had felt better. But I can't complain, since it was a drastic improvement from the previous weekend, when I couldn't do anything but hack and blow my nose.

At church yesterday, my pastor preached on Psalm 121. This is my favorite Psalm, and probably my favorite Bible verses. I'd never heard a sermon on it, and I was impressed.

This Psalm has gotten me through some tough times in my life. It reminds me that God is always there for me. My pastor's message was about much more than that fact, though.

It inspired me to be better about my Bible reading and studies. Well, I should say it inspired me to DO it again. Sadly, I've really gotten off track with that. At the beginning of this year, I was reading the Bible daily with my Bible In One Year app, plus I was doing other random studies through books I found. I also read several books about building a closer relationship to God. I'm not sure what happened, but I stopped doing all that gradually. Its just easier to read "fun" things, like trashy romance novels, I guess. But you know what? Lately, I've been feeling not quite myself, almost depressed at times. I was just thinking on Friday how I needed to get back into the Word, cause when I was deep within it, I didn't feel this way. And then I heard this sermon yesterday - coincidence? I think not. My God is just awesome like that. ( :

So, I'm jumping back in. I'm gonna pick up where I left off with my "The Excellent Wife Day by Day" devotional, the BIOY app, and a couple of other books I recently purchased. Fill myself with spiritual goodness, reconnect with my Maker, have peace again. Who's with me? ( :

Vent

My daughter is my greatest blessing. She's also the source my greatest worry/stress. I knew being a mother would be hard, but its hard in so many different ways than I expected!

The hardest thing about being a mother is when your child is sick. Hands down. Yes, sometimes she's in one of her toddler moods and she's extremely hard to deal with, but I can handle that. I can handle it when her feelings are hurt or she's have a tantrum. I can even handle it when she gets a boo-boo like a scraped knee or a busted lip (which happened recently - and dang, do mouth wounds bleed a lot!!). But it kills me to know something is wrong that I can't fix with a hug and a kiss, or a Bandaid.

No one told me about this part of motherhood.

C is not sick right now. I do suspect she has yet another UTI, though. Her last one was just 3-4 weeks ago. The past few days, she's been showing the same symptoms she always does - very frequent urination and lots of accidents. Actually, over the weekend she did really well.

A few nights last week she told me her pee-pee hurt, and twice she actually cried when she was peeing. Since it only lasted a few nights (and only happened at night), I didn't think much of it.

Sunday at the baby shower, she did really well - no accidents. But she was going to the potty pretty frequently. Once, I asked her if she needed to potty and she did, then we barely made it out of the door before she said "I gotta pee-pee again!" But that time nothing came out. That's odd for her, but since she was otherwise acting fine, I brushed it off.

Yesterday when I picked her up, my MIL told me C had had 3 accidents that day. Pretty unusual for her. Then again, she had a busy weekend, my mother kept her on Friday, and we were at the beach Thursday. Sometimes a disruption in her normal schedule messes up her potty habits with my MIL. When that normally happens, she does just fine at home with me. So I again didn't think much of it.

Until I got home, and she had 5 accidents in the span of an hour and a half.

That is a lot of urinating! Each time it was just a small amount. Just like when she had her last UTI.

I can't say that I panicked, but I was on the edge. I feel so out of control when this happens. WHY does my baby keep getting UTIs??!

Next Monday, we have an appointment with a pediatric urologist at Duke. I'm hoping he can give us some answers.

In the meantime, I decided to go ahead and get a urine sample to her pediatric doctor. Last month, the nurse told me I could just bring in a sample without her being seen, but at the last minute, they changed their mind. (And then she got that terrible stomach bug from being in that germ-infested place.) So I brought the sample with me to work and called the peds. You have to leave a message for a nurse to call you back, and they usually call within an hour. 3 hours later I hadn't heard a thing, so I left another message.

This time, they called back pretty quickly. But the nurse said I had to bring her in. I insisted that I did not want to take her in, and explained that every single time I take her there, she comes home with a virus. That place is disgusting. Plus, we have to wait over an hour every time. Its just so stressful. I figured since they just saw her 3-4 weeks ago for this same issue, it wouldn't be a big deal to just test her urine.

Well, the nurse was kinda ugly on the phone, which brought out my inner Mama Bear. You don't want to be on the wrong side of that, trust me. I demanded that she ask the doctor and get back to me. Well, lo and behold, the doctor said it was fine to drop off a urine sample. But if it was positive, she wouldn't prescribe antibiotics without seeing C. Fine.

I dropped off the sample and told the nurse to call me. I explained to her that last month, the urine looked fine initially, but the culture grew, so to make sure to not discount it until tomorrow morning. She called me back in an hour and said the urine was fine. I asked had they cultured it and she said "umm....it got thrown away." WHAT!!

Let's just say that woman should be glad this happened over the phone and not in person. I was furious. I mean, really?! Why would you throw out a sample before you're done doing standard tests on it????!

For now, we're just gonna wait and see how C is tonight. If she's urinating a lot again, I'll try again with another sample tomorrow. Maybe it was just a one day thing, who knows.

It just doesn't seem normal to urinate that frequently and have nothing be wrong. Plus, we already know that her right kidney is swollen, and has been for at least 2 years now. My prayer is that this specialist on Monday can help us figure this out. Until then, please pray that C is okay and doesn't have an infection!

And yes, I have decided after this incident that I am DONE with her pediatric doctor. DoctorS, actually. Its a group practice. I love 2 of the physicians, but they are not worth all the headache I deal with every single time I go there. Last month, after the nurse called to confirm the UTI, I requested to speak to a doctor. The doctor that actually delivered me 30 years ago was who called me back. I've always liked him, until that day. When I asked him why C keeps having these UTIs, he was too nonchalant about it and brushed me off. When I requested a referral to a specialist, he tried to talk me out of it, saying a specialist wouldn't do anything. I had to demand a referral. He reluctantly gave me one, but I did not like his attitude. I am not the type of mother who rushes her child off to the doctor at every sniffle. (Hello, she had a cold for 5 weeks earlier this year, and I never even called the doctor cause I knew it was a cold.) But I trust my instincts, and so far they haven't led me wrong.

One Thing After Another

My poor baby girl just can't catch a break lately. First she had the UTI, then she got the stomach bug, and now it appears she's got vaginitis (AGAIN - I hate antibiotics for that reason!!) and some sort of really strange rash. :( She's a tough cookie, though - none of this is slowin her down much!

The stomach bug lasted almost a week. It didn't stop all at once, it was very gradual. And thankfully no one else got it from her, which makes me think maybe it was, in fact, related to the antibiotics and not actually a virus (though she did have a fever for a few days, so who knows). At any rate, I'm super glad that its over. There is nothin worse than seeing your child in pain and not being able to help. And her little tummy was causing her a lot of pain!!

Every time C is on antibiotics, she develops vaginitis (basically, a yeast infection; not sure why her dr calls it something different). I mean every. Time. Its so frustrating. I know we can try to prevent it by getting her to take probiotics and eat yogurt. But, seriously, have you ever tried to get a toddler to consume something she didn't want?! Its near bout impossible. This time, I bought gummy bear probiotics, and I just knew she'd love them cause they're basically candy. Nope. She wouldn't touch them for days. Until we saw a commercial on TV and the littler girl ate some. Even after that I've managed to get C to eat maybe 2 of them. They taste pretty good to me, so I assume she just doesn't like the gummy texture. *sigh*

As for yogurt...she used to love the stuff. She'd ask for it. But maybe she ate too much of it and got sick of it, cause now she rarely will eat it. My MIL can't get her to eat it at all anymore, and I can only occasionally. I got her to eat one container of yogurt when she was on antibiotics this last time. After that she wouldn't touch it. So I pretty much resigned myself to the fact that she'd get a yeast infection at some point, and I've been watching for it.

Its probably been building up for the past several days, and we just weren't able to see any outward signs (i.e, redness) yet. Well, I saw the tell-tale redness last night. Thankfully, the last time we dealt with this the dr provided us with a ton of Nystatin cream, so I won't have to take her back to get a new prescription. She's already had 2 doses of the stuff, so she should be improving pretty quickly. But the stupid yeast infection makes her have accidents, just like with a UTI. Its so frustrating. I think its because the infection makes it burn when she pees, so she holds it until she just can't hold it anymore, then has an accident. Cause she's not just been having small accidents (like she did with the UTI - that was a tiny amount of urine every 20 minutes or so) - this is like a lake every few hours! Big mess to clean up. My MIL told me last week that C was still wetting her pants quite a bit, and I told her she's probably messed up from bein sick, just to give her time. But now I'm thinkin its the vaginitis that was brewing. *sigh*

The good news is that the Nystatin usually works really fast, and then she'll stop having accidents. I know the pattern. Luckily, she doesn't have to be on antibiotics very often since she's a pretty healthy child (other than recurrent UITs, and we are seeing a specialist next month about that). She's had 2 ear infections that we treated with antibiotics. The only other thing she's taken them for was UTIs. I think that's pretty good for 2.5 years. Anyway, the faster she gets, the better cause we're all sick of dealing with accidents! Yesterday she peed on my bed and my couch. And I don't mean a little bit. It looked like someone had spilled a gallon of liquid both times. Oh, and she did the same thing in the carseat over the weekend. *sigh!* You can't get mad at her though; she can't help it. We're just workin through this until she gets back to normal.

Now for her rash...this one has us all completely stumped. I noticed it Friday night. She was super ill Friday evening (that means she was in a bad mood, for all you non-Southern folks!) and we couldn't figure out why. She ate a lot at supper - I had cooked fried pork chops, fresh green beans, and fresh potatoes, and she ate everything, which surprised us. After supper, the 3 of us went outside to feed the animals. When we got back in, I noticed what looked like a bug bite on her shoulder. I had forgotten to put bug spray on her and it was at the edge of dark, so I assumed it was a mosquito. Well, in the bath tub later, I could see the spot better and it didn't look like a mosquito bite. It almost looked like fire ants had got on her. She had 6-8 little whelps and the whole area was very red. Wasn't bothering her though.

Then I noticed she had another really red area on the back of her neck. By the time we got out of the tub, I was noticing red places (and some with whelps) on several different areas on her body. None of the areas were bothering her, so I wasn't too worried. Until I was literally watching them pop up! It was crazy. When they got on her face (around her eye), I got concerned. So I gave her Benadryl. She hadn't had anything to eat that was new to her, and hadn't been exposed to anything new at all recently.

Saturday morning, she looked better, but as the morning wore on, I was seeing more red places pop up. And then it got really weird. She'd get a red area and a whelp that looked like a bug bite, and 30 minutes later it was gone. You could literally watch it pop up then disappear. Crazy. It still wasn't bothering her, so I just let her go about her day as usual. The 2 of us went to my MIL's pool that afternoon, and I'm sure the chlorine didn't help her at all. When we got back home, it looked like she had eczema on her thighs and butt. I rubbed her down with lotion and got her to sleep, but she slept fitfully. That night I gave her more Benadryl. DH kept saying take her to the dr, but I knew they'd tell me to do what I was since it wasn't bothering her at all.

Yesterday the places were a little itchy to her, but not enough that it interfered with her day or anything. For church I put her in a super soft dress with no inside seams, and during church we were watching her get redder and redder, and little whelps popping up everywhere. And then disappearing. After church I let her be naked at home, because it did seem that any type of fabric was irritating her skin. That did help some, but she was still getting red places.

I gave her more Benadryl last night and this morning at first she looked much better. By the time I dropped her off at my MIL's, though, I saw several red places - on her feet and around her right eye. :( I've looked online and all I can find is reactions to changes in diet or things like fabric softener. Well, I've been using All Free & Clear for years now, and I don't use fabric softener cause I'm allergic to it (and it ruins cloth diapers). Absolutely nothing has changed lately. The only thing I can think of is maybe she's developed a sudden food allergy. But to what?? Over the weekend she ate a ton of bread and crackers, but that's normal for her. My girl loves her carbs, haha. I don't even want to call the pediatrician because they're gonna want to see her, and we are NOT doing that again right now. I hate exposing her to all those germs in that place, and I know her immune system is weak right now, since she's been dealing with so much. No, thank you. So I'm not sure what to do. I'm gonna keep researching and keep praying that it doesn't get worse. Maybe its a delayed reaction to the antibiotic she was on? Her last dose was Friday night. But she's had that drug before, several times. I'm at a loss!!

Sorry, I know this post was terribly boring for people other than myself. But I wanted to document it for later. I really hope I haven't passed on my freak gene to my daughter. We all know that Nikki has unexplained health issues that come and go. :(

I'm Alive!

Whew! The last few weeks have been insane. I say that a lot, don't it? But its always true. Of course, looking back, all those other times I said that were nothing compared to the past 2 weeks for me. Most of my business has been work-related, and thankfully I've been able to come home in the evenings and basically just relax. Which I have desperately needed, let me tell you!

In short, my company has been experiencing a lot of major changes lately. My office has broken away from our parent company and with that has come a ton of work for me. I love being busy at work, so its been okay, but there have been a few times that I've wanted to pull my hair out! On top of all the changes and new stuff to deal with, I had to train 2 employees for our parent company. Of course, everything was happening all at the same time, so it was pretty stressful. Which is why I haven't even thought about my blog. I do plan to go back and finish blogging about our OBX trip, cause I definitely want to remember that! And we've taken more trips since then, so more memories to log. ( :

Here's a brief rundown of what's been going on since I last posted (3 weeks ago!):

I think I blogged about my eye issues recently. If not, basically I've been suffering from extreme dry eye for several months now. A prescription for Restasis is pending, has been pending for weeks now (my insurance doesn't like to cover expensive drugs like Restasis, bleh). Anyway, I had another appointment the week after our OBX trip. My eye dr put plugs in my tear ducts, and it has made a huge difference. For a few days, I didn't see much improvement and I was pretty disappointed. But finally, I can wear my contacts almost normally. I still can't wear them every day, and I still normally take them out early in the evening, but its such an improvement. If my RX for Restasis ever gets approved, I'm sure I'll be able to wear contacts like any normal person.

The weekend after our OBX trip I didn't do a thing. At least not that I remember. I remember on Sunday we were supposed to take C to a birthday party, but neither of us felt like going so we just lazed around the house. It was lovely. Thankfully, we hadn't even mentioned the party to C, so she didn't know what she was missing! Terrible parents, huh? ( ;

July 1 was supposed to be a quiet day for me at work, but I got a call early that said 2 people were on the way for me to train, and they were 15 minutes away! Yikes. (For the record, it wasn't my boss that called me. He found out after I did that these girls were coming.) Unfortunately, I didn't teach them much since they were unexpected. Plus, the 3 of us went to lunch and then they had to leave around 2. Oh well. The next 2 days, I had one girl here. Thankfully, she was really smart and nice, and having her here wasn't much of a burden. I had a ton of work-related problems to deal with, though. The first and second weeks of July were horrible in terms of work problems. I spent hours every day on the phone with support people. Fun, fun. I think I've got almost everything sorted out now. Whew.

On July 3, my best friend had some important surgery. So on top of dealing with all the work-related mess, I was worried about her all day until I heard she was okay. Well, sort of. She had some major reactions to the surgery and the drugs. It was pretty scary for a while there. But she pulled through and is now almost back to normal. ( :

Also on that day, my boss told me not to worry about coming in on Friday (we were already closed for the 4th). I think he felt sorry for me since I was so stressed out and working so hard. So I had a 4 day weekend!!

The 4th was spent in a frenzy. We had a ton to do to prepare for our annual July 4th cookout. I made sure to enjoy the day, though. After I got some initial cleaning done that morning, me, C, and my mama played in the pool for a while. Then, while I got C to sleep (on her crib mattress on the floor again), Mama cleaned my bathrooms for me. DH was a huge help around the house that day, too. Between the 3 of us, we got that nice nice and clean. So that the family could demolish it that night, haha.

Our yard has been pretty soaked lately. It rained for 40 days and 40 nights here. That's not really an exaggeration. I've never seen so much rain at once. Literally, every day for a long time now it has rained. Our garden has drowned. Our animals are swimming. Its been bad, though not nearly as bad as some people have had it. Anyway, because the yard was so soaked, we set up all the tables in the driveway. Of course, people still managed to get dirty and track all that into my house. I was amazed at how much dirt we swept up that night. But everyone had a great time. We had over 30 people show up for the cookout this year. And it was nice cause we didn't have to rush off for fireworks at 9. (This year, our town held fireworks on July 6th for some reason.) Which also meant we had guests in the house until like 10pm. But C got to play with her cousin (who is 3), and they had a blast together. I love having both our families together like that.

The next day was Friday, and DH decided to head down to the river for the day. His aunt and uncle have a place near the Pamlico River, and they have a boat. Its where we went back in January, when I got the pictures of the eagles. Its about a 2 hour drive from home, so not bad at all. When we got there, we rode the boat to Washington, where we got out and walked around town for a while. That was nice, even though it was about a thousand degrees. C absolutely loved riding the boat, as long as her uncle didn't drive too fast! When we rode back to the dock, we let C play in the water for a while. The Pamlico River is really brown and muddy from all the rain eastern NC has had lately, so it was pretty gross, but that didn't stop C from having fun! We didn't have her bathing suit with us (we knew on the boat we wouldn't be stopping to swim or anything), so we just let her play in the water in her clothes. She loved that. We stayed until after supper and got home that night around 10pm.

Which is when we discovered that our air conditioning was broken. It was 85 degrees in our house. WAY too hot!! My brother works on heat and air units for a living, so luckily he was able to come over that night and work on it some. I don't know anything about A/C units, but he couldn't do much Friday night. So we turned up all the fans and slept almost naked. Saturday morning my brother came back and worked some more. He got it working, sort of, but said it would take a long time to cool the house. Well, most of our windows don't open (hello, old house) so we weren't able to get a good breeze going through there. It was miserable. I stayed long enough to get the floors vacuumed and mopped, and did a few loads of laundry, then C and I left for Mama's. We played in Mama's little pool for a while, then took a nap in the wonderful A/C.

DH wanted to head back to the river that night, and since our house was still 85 degrees, he didn't get an argument from me! We packed up and made it there before it was too late. We spent the day Sunday on the boat fishing. Now, I don't have any patience at all for fishing. But this was actually kinda fun to watch. I didn't participate cause I had to hold C and make sure she didn't fall off the boat. But DH and his uncle were net fishing, which I'd never seen before. They had this super long net and would set it up, then his uncle would drive the boat in circles and we'd be really loud. The idea was to scare the fish into the net. It worked pretty well. We caught a good mess of fish this way, mostly spots. Even C wasn't bored with everything.

I, unfortunately, discovered that day that I now have a true allergy to the sun. I applied SPF 50 sunscreen every hour or so all day, and didn't get a sunburn, but after a couple of hours I broke out into a rash on my legs. It was wonderful. I ended up having to cover my legs with a towel. And lucky me kept having a reaction for days after the sun exposure. Like, I'm still a little itchy, and its been over a week. Ugh. Every night last week I had to take Benadryl just to sleep, and some days I had to take it at work, too. Which I hate doing!!

Anyway, we had a fun time at the river. Once again, after we got off the boat, we let C play on the little beach. This time in her bathing suit. ( :  She had a ball. I think we made it home that evening by around 6. Our house was still pretty hot, but we could tell it was getting cooler.

By Monday morning the house was blessedly cool, but DH had decided that we'll be getting a new unit. My brother patched ours up so it'll work for a while, but sometime in the very near future we'll be shelling out a couple grand for this thing. Gotta stay cool, though!

Actually, yesterday afternoon I noticed the house was getting hot again, and DH had to go tinker with out unit again. Hopefully it'll still be cool when I get home from work today.

Now for the sickness. My poor baby has been suffering through another UTI lately. :( She started having a lot of accidents, and after a couple of days I started to wonder if it was her kidneys again. Last Tuesday night, she peed 5 or 6 times in 40 minutes, so I knew something was up. I tried to get her doctor to just test her urine without having to see her, but they insisted. So Wednesday after work, I took her in. Her urine looked clean under the microscope, and I was confused. Of course, I didn't want her to have a UTI, but I knew somethin was wrong. They cultured it "just in case." Well, early Thursday morning I got the call that she did indeed have an infection. It took until after lunch for her antibiotic to be ready, but we did manage to get 2 doses in her that day.

Almost immediately, the antibiotic made her have looser stools (sorry, TMI probably). But that's normal, so I didn't think much of it. Saturday morning, she had a few bouts of explosive diarrhea. Poor baby. She still acted okay, though, and she wasn't peeing as much. So I felt comfortable leaving her with my parents while I went to see my friend that had had the surgery. C ended up staying with them for longer than I intended cause she took a super long nap. Again, that's normal when she's fighting an infection, so I didn't think much of it. She was really whiny and clingy after her nap, but after a while she acted better. Her and I drove to town to pick up a pizza for supper, and she ate 2 pieces, plus some bread bites. Then after her bath that night, she told me she was freezing and started crying. Then I realized she had a fever. :(

She actually slept pretty well that night, considering. But yesterday morning, she woke up with a bad stomachache and immediately went to the potty, where she had diarrhea. That continued all morning. She was pitiful, and it broke my heart. I was thinking the antibiotic was affecting her, so I called the doctor, who insisted on seeing her again. So the 3 of us headed to town, where we learned that she most likely has a stomach virus. On top of her UTI! Poor baby. :( Probably picked it up the other day when I brought her to that germ-ridden place, and her defenses were already weakened. Ugh. Sot he doctor didn't do a thing for her.

After the appointment, she was feeling better, so we picked up some groceries and ate at Outback. She barely ate though, and was really tired. Once we got home, she napped for a little while, but woke up with a tummyache again. After a while she was feeling better again, and seemed like herself. We actually had fun yesterday afternoon. She had a few more bouts of pain/diarrhea last night, but then slept in her crib until 4:45am. Unfortunately, it all started up again this morning. Fever and all. I hate seein my baby sick! By the time I left for work she was feeling better, thankfully. Hopefully she'll be over this soon. And hopefully we won't get it. I've already been feeling nauseous for the past several days...ugh.

So that's my busy busy life for the past 3 weeks!! Whew!

Instincts

So I think I posted a while back that I decided I was gonna start gettin up earlier on week days to do yoga before work. That has actually gone much better than I anticipated. I used to wake up at 7:30 on week days. Which gave me 50 minutes to eat breakfast and get myself and C ready for the day. I don't need much time for my hair and makeup, and I don't have to think about my outfit for the day (khakis and a work shirt every day, simple!), so 50 minutes was plenty of time. But it wasn't enough time to work out at all, and I always felt a little guilty waking up so late, since DH leaves the house at 7:15 or earlier. He fed the horses for me every morning, too - he started doing that towards the end of my pregnancy when I got to the point where my hips couldn't tolerate lifting the pitchfork loaded with hay. Anyway, I guess I felt more than "a little" guilty over all that!

The first few days, I woke up at 7, which was pretty hard for me, I won't lie. But I was able to get my yoga time in (15 minutes at first) and still have plenty of time to get me and C ready. Then I decided I should really get up even earlier and feed the horses. They're mostly mine, anyway, and I know DH was tired of having to feed them every morning. So I pushed my wake-up time back to 6:30. That first morning was tough! But I did it, and I kept it up. Its been over a month now, and I still get up at 6:30. I've been pretty proud of myself. Usually by 7:10 or so I'm getting started on my yoga and strength training. I do it with my Wii Fit Plus, which I absolutely love. I only do about 22 minutes, but I have been able to tell a big difference in my body since I began.

(I really need to do some cardio a few times a week, because even though my muscles are coming back, I am still extremely out of shape. But I'm not down with sweating in the mornings. Which is why I love yoga. I ordered Wii Dance the other day and should have it sooner. The plan is to do that some evenings with C. I think it will be fun and I know she'll love it since she loves to dance and likes to imitate me when I do yoga [if she's awake when I do it!]. We can also do a dance workout on the weekends. We already normally have dance time on Saturdays, so now it can be a little more structured.)

I promise there is a reason for me sayin all this about my morning routine. If I have learned anything during my motherhood journey (and I have learned a ton), its to listen to my gut, trust my instincts, whatever you want to say. 9 times out of 10, my instincts are right. Probably because I began always always putting someone else (C) ahead of myself. I assume this happens to all mothers...?

Anyway, this morning I had plenty of time to do my yoga, but something told me not to. C was still asleep, so I decided to enjoy a quiet bowl of cereal on the couch. I of course brought my phone with me so I could scan facebook while I ate (can't miss anything, you know!). And then I got a text from our cousin who just had her baby on Monday. She had some breastfeeding concerns and was getting a little panicky. I remember being like that in the beginning. And I remember how helpful it was to have someone be a voice of reason and assure me I was doing fine.

Nothing major happened, but we ended up texting back and forth for a while. If I had started my yoga, I wouldn't have read her text until much later, and then I wouldn't have been able to respond to her as much as I needed to. So I am grateful that I've learned to listen to that little voice in my head, whatever it is. I was able to reassure her and give her some tips, which she said made her feel better.

Then she made me feel good! She texted me later and said her doctor had stopped by and told her the exact same things I had already said! I knew I was giving her sound advice and support, but it felt great to be backed up by a doctor. (Especially because it was almost opposite of what a nurse had told her earlier this morning.)

This experience reminded me of my desire to become a Lactation Consultant. I don't know if it'll ever happen, since there are a lot of requirements to meet before you can sit for the exam to be certified. There are 14 (I think) classes you have to have (including anatomy, child development, stuff like that) in addition to many, many hours of clinical hours. I'll be paying off the student loans for my BA and MBA degrees forever, so I won't be going back to school any time soon. Maybe this is something I can do down the road, who knows.

Last year, I talked to the Leader of my local La Leche League (LLL) about becoming a Leader. She thinks I'd be great at it, and it would be a good way for me to reach out and help other breastfeeding mothers. The problem is, I can never make the monthly meetings. I was able to attend a handful before C turned 1, and since then I've been maybe twice. They're always on Monday nights at 7. And they're here in town, so its super hard for me to get home, then turn right back around and come back to town and be here by 7. Plus, I have found that Monday nights tend to be the crazy nights. I guess because its the first day/night after the weekend, but things normally go wrong on Mondays and any plans I make never work out.

I have thought about starting my own group and holding monthly meetings at a more convenient time and place (our local group meets at the pediatrician's office, which I hate because every time I took C she got a virus!), but in order to be a Leader you have to attend so many meetings first. At some point I'm just gonna have to bite the bullet and get it done. I have a passion for breastfeeding, breastfeeding advocacy, and helping other breastfeeding mothers.

I wish I had realized years ago that this would become a passion of mine. I would have gone to school to be a Registered Nurse and went on to get certified as a Lactation Consultant. Then I could work in a hospital on the maternity floor. But I never would have guessed even 3 years ago that I'd be this passionate about this topic. Life sure is funny.

For a while now I've been composing a blog post in my head about my experience with breastfeeding. Hopefully soon I'll get it actually typed up. Its one of those topics that most people feel strongly about - either they really think breastfeeding is weird and don't like to talk or hear about it, or they are like me and really support it. I have run into more than my fair share of people who were almost against it. I've even been told before that breastfeeding was pornographic. :(

So I try to be sensitive to other people and not talk about breastfeeding too much. But you know what? This is my blog and this is one of my passions. I'm gonna talk about it here. ( : I know I've only breastfed one child, and we really haven't had any issues at all, so I don't have experience with difficulties. But I feel like its important to share positive breastfeeding stories. When I was pregnant, I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to breastfeed. All I heard was negative stories and how hard it was. Well, breastfeeding has never been hard for me. I like to tell people that. People need to see that it doesn't have to be difficult. Stay tuned. ( :

Weekend Recap

We have been having some seriously great weekends lately! We've had places to be and things to do but nothing too stressful. Mostly I've just tried to really enjoy spending time with C. I've really loosened up on my house cleaning obsession, haha. Not that I've ever had a spic-n-span house, but I have finally learned that a little dust on the furniture is okay. As long as the bathrooms are cleaned, floors are swept, dishes are washed, and we have clean clothes, I'm good.

The floors being swept are kinda my issue, though. I'm a little obsessed with it! Well, my husband would probably say I'm extremely obsessed, lol. I sweep at least 2 times a day. I hate dirt on my floor!!! Luckily our house is not very big so sweeping doesn't take long at all. ( :

Anyway! Like I said, this weekend was pretty great. Very relaxing, and I didn't get anything done that I planned. But that's okay. Me and C had some fun!

Saturday morning we went to my brother's house. His girlfriend has a 3 year old boy (K), and C likes playing with him. They played inside for a while, then jumped on the trampoline outside. C loved that. We may have to purchase one in the near future...haha. After that, we headed to the jewelry store. I am finally having my ring sized down. Turns out my finger is a lot smaller than I thought! I'm only getting my engagement band sized down. The wedding band will still be loose, but it'll be held in place by the other ring. I wanted to make sure I could at least wear one of my rings if I go through another pregnancy! We also dropped off a bracelet that my husband bought for C on her birthday last year. Yes, it was in December, and yes, its taken me 6 months to get it sized. Whoops. Its a silver charm bracelet and he got her a beautiful charm with a "C" on it to start.

After lunch (which we ate on a beach towel in the living room - C thought that idea was genius!), me, C, and my mama headed to my sister's house for my niece's graduation party. We got there before most of the younger people, so we went swimming in the pool. C had a blast! She has absolutely no fear of the water. I can't decide if that's good or bad! I didn't have a float for her, so I was just holding her while she kicked her little feet (so cute!), and she kept sayin "let me go, Mama!" Uh, yeah, that didn't happen! Then she wanted to climb up the ladder and jump into the pool. She was having so much fun but it was kinda stressful for me. I was so worried that she'd slip through my hands or something. I am definitely getting her some of those little arm floats. I can see a lot of pool time in our future this summer!

Yesterday was my husband's family reunion. He and his dad were in charge of cooking the pig this year, so DH was out of the house by 3am to get it started. So C and I went to Sunday School alone. Before it started, C told one of the women in our church that I wouldn't give her any Cheerios (she has turned into a tattler lately, lol), and the woman said "well, if you come to our class today you can have Goldfish!" That was all it took for C to want to go, haha. She normally comes to our class during Sunday School. She eats Cheerios and is actually very good about being quiet, so we've never taken her to the toddler class. But she liked it! I stayed the whole time just to make sure she'd be okay. Hopefully next week I can just leave her in there and go on up to my class.

(This reminds me: last Sunday during church, C walked down the aisle to the front all by herself for Children's Moment! She is growing up way too fast!!!)

The reunion went well. We had it in the church fellowship hall this year, which was wonderful because of the A/C! (We normally have it outside at my in-laws' house.) The food was delicious, C went to the potty several times (yay!!), and everyone had a good time. It made my baby fever intensify, though! There were a few pregnant women there (one of which went into labor last night and had her baby earlier today!), and a few new babies. Made my uterus ache, lol.

After the reunion, C passed out on our bed. And for the first time in months, she napped without being held!!! It was glorious to be able to get up while she was sleeping and do stuff. I did cheat, though: I nursed her to sleep, then eased off the bed. Hey, whatever works, right? This was huge. I can't remember the last time she took a nap without being held. If you try to lay her down for a nap she wakes up screaming. So we've all just been going with it. Its hard to complain when she sleeps so well at night.

During her nap, DH and I actually had whole conversations. Doesn't sound impressive, I know, but it is hard to have a real conversation with him when C is around! She's good as gold when we go out, but at home she likes the spotlight to be on her, haha. (She comes by it naturally, me and DH are both kinda like that!) And she's so stinkin cute its hard not to let her have the spotlight! I'm hoping that this nap-by-herself thing is gonna become the norm.

I also made her shirts for Bible School while she was asleep yesterday. Bible School starts tonight, and I am so excited! This will be C's first one, and I think she'll love it. I'll be staying with her, but it'll give me a chance to hang out with one of my friends, since her little boy will be in C's class. It'll be a fun week, but a rushed one. Bible School starts at 6:30. I usually get home between 5:30-5:45, so that doesn't give us much time to get cleaned up and get some supper in us. I told DH we'd probably be eating a lot of sandwiches and microwave dinners this week. (I should have prepared by making some freezer meals for this week. Hindsight is 20/20!) I'm going to the grocery store later to stock up on things that are super quick to cook/prepare.

Wish us luck this week as we rush around to get to church every night! It will be a busy week all around for me. I've got an eye doctor appointment later this week, and I'm curious to see what he says about my eyes. I've been having a lot of pain in them for a while now, and I can no longer wear my contacts, which makes me super sad. I despise wearing glasses. I'm also going back to the chiropractor again this week. He's been working on my TMJ, and he thinks that's what caused my trigeminal neuralgia a few weeks ago (did I blog about that? I can't remember!).

This coming Saturday I'm shooting my niece's senior pictures. That should be fun. I've got a ton of ideas for her. Oh, and that reminds me! Last week I purchased a tripod for my camera! I'm super excited about that. I've been wanting one for a while now. This baby goes up to 5', maybe a little more. I didn't use it much this weekend, but I did snap a quick picture of me and C with it...

Sunday is Father's Day, which will be another busy day. After that, our weekends should calm down a little. Let's hope so, cause I need a beach day STAT!! ( :

Life Lately

So my life lately has been pretty stressful. I know, I know, I'm not the only one dealing with stress. I don't even think that I have been dealing with any more than the average person. I do, however, think that for me, I've been dealing with a lot. A lot of it is really personal and I don't blog about it (and no, that doesn't mean my marriage is in trouble - "personal" means anything that I don't want the entire world to know about).

I honestly can't remember the last time I didn't have something going on, or somewhere to be. Even the good things that happen are still things to handle in life. All stress is not bad. So I cherish the rare moments when I am doing absolutely nothing. Like one afternoon last week, C wanted to go outside and swing. I had approximately one million things to do, but I agreed because I knew I needed a break. I also know that moments like that her will not last forever. So we went outside and I pushed her in her baby swing, then I sat in the big swing while she went up and down the slide. The weather was perfect and it was so quiet and peaceful. Of course, it only lasted a little while - before I was ready, it was time to go back inside and cook supper and deal with everything else awaiting me.

My husband has been really great in the evenings lately. He's been coming home earlier and cooking supper for me a lot of nights. Or cooking with me. Its such a huge burden off my shoulders to not have to cook supper every single night. By the time I pick up C from her grandma's and get home, its close to 6pm. I try to have her bath done around 8, and I like for her to be in the rocking chair with me by 8:30-9. Which means I have 2.5-3 hours every evening to spend time with my daughter, get supper on the table and then cleaned up, feed all the animals (we do this as a family but it still takes a while), and do a few chores around the house (so I don't spend my entire Saturday cleaning). It doesn't sound like much to me when I type it all out. But trust me, it is overwhelming some days. And since my kid still hasn't learned how to put herself to sleep yet, I have to rock her every night. Which is really not a big deal. What is a big deal is the fact that I can't just rock her until she falls asleep and then lay her down. No, C has to be rocked for quite a while after she falls asleep. If that doesn't happen, she will wake up when you lay her down and start screaming. Since we're not fans of the Cry It Out method of "sleep training," we won't let her lie there and cry. I might get lucky and be able to lay her down by 10, but sometimes its closer to 11pm. After that, I'm too exhausted to do anything else but go to bed.

So yeah, my evenings after work are pretty stressful. Not that I'd trade any of that, though. I truly love my life and we all know how much I love being a mother. C does complicate things, but its a welcome complication. I'm not even complaining about all this, either. This is just my life right now. Its hectic and stressful, but full of love.

Weekends used to be my downtime. I used to spend Saturdays lounging around the house with C, and Sundays after church the three of us would just sit around the house again and just be together. Lately, there has been something going on every weekend, though. I have had a baby shower (or 2!) or a wedding shower or a birthday party every Sunday for a while now. In fact, I missed one yesterday (though I did drop off a gift).

I would love to say that my calendar is not so full for the next month or so, but I can't say that. I guess its a good thing that I'm so busy, though. It means that I have a lot of people who care about me enough to invite me to events, right? ( :

Yesterday, I took a day off, sort of. My girlfriend and I went to a spa in Raleigh to get massages. The spa was having a 1/2 off sale, so we got a great price on hour long, full body massages. DH, C, and I went to Sunday School yesterday morning, and we skipped church so that we could all eat lunch together. Terrible, I know. But I had to leave at 12:30, and DH wanted us all to eat together; can't argue with that! C had a fun day with her daddy, and I left for the big city.

The massage was absolutely wonderful. Apparently I carry my stress/tension in my shoulders; they were pretty knotted up and I didn't even realize it. I've had a full body massage done before, but it was nothing like this one. I could feel my muscles loosening up over the hour. It was awesome. I even had hot stones put on me - a first! Afterwards, they gave my friend and I "special" water - its just water with citrus fruit in it, but it felt really special. I didn't want to leave that place.

What's interesting to me is how thirsty I've been since the massage. I expected to feel a littler thirstier than usual, but I have been basically guzzling water. The only other downside of the massage was that I am apparently allergic to the oil that was used on me. I itched and itched until I was able to wash it off last night, and today I'm still a little itchy. Totally worth it, though. If I ever go again, I'll take some allergy medicine beforehand, and drink a ton of water, too!

I know this post is not all that interesting, and I apologize. If you've made it this far, congratulations (haha). It helps me to type things up, though. If you have made it this far into all my rambling, you will now be rewarded with some things that are slightly more interesting. I'm a riot, huh?

But, seriously. Two major things have had me super stressed lately.

One - I lost my engagement ring on Saturday. :( I took C and my 8 year old cousin to a festival in town Saturday, and at some point during that day, among 10,000+ people, I lost my ring. I managed not to lose my wedding band and my other ring I always wear, miraculously. It was so stupid and totally my fault: I took my rings off so I could put sunscreen on C's face. I put them in my jacket pocket, and I told myself I'd put them right back on. Well, I didn't. And then I got hot, so I took the jacket off and put it in the stroller. I didn't give another thought to my rings until hours later. Its embarrassing to even think about all that, and typing it is painful. I can't believe I was so careless and stupid. I will be 30 next month and I have never lost a piece of jewelry (except for a necklace that broke while I was running once). When I realized my rings weren't on my fingers, I panicked. I grabbed my jacket and found 2 of them. I looked all over that stroller, and traced back everywhere I had been all day (which was not easy, considering the number of people that were there).

After a while I decided to file a police report. It is highly unlikely that anyone even saw my ring. If someone did happen to see it, chances are they'll keep it or sell it somewhere. But I am hoping and praying that an honest person has it and turns it in to the police. I've called all the local pawn shops and so far no one has tried to sell a ring. Tomorrow through Sunday I'll have an ad in the local paper. I'm not giving up easily. I know its just a ring, but it really sickens me that I lost that one. All weekend I kept thinking about the night DH proposed to me and gave me that ring. I really love it. And no, it wasn't insured. We kept meaning to get all my jewelry insured, but never did. Lesson learned.

To make that situation even worse, while I was filing the police report Saturday, who do you think showed up to the police tent? My ex-boyfriend. The one I haven't spoken to since we broke up in 2005. It was just what I needed that day. Of course he laughed at me when he found out I had lost my engagement ring. I'm sure he was thinking it served me right! Oh well.

The other major stressful thing I've been dealing with lately is another weird health issue of mine. I think I've blogged about my weird issues before, last year when I was dealing with all my GI issues. Ever since I can remember, I've dealt with strange things with my body. When I was a teenager, my knees hurt so bad that sometimes I couldn't walk. I went to a lot of doctors and specialists and no one could find anything wrong with me. Eventually, the pain went away. Once, the skin on all my fingers peeled off. Several layers of skin, too, so that my fingers were so raw and painful I couldn't touch anything for weeks. No one ever figured that one out, either, but eventually the skin grew back and it hasn't happened again .

A few years ago, I had some intense shoulder pain. It prevented me from doing things I would normally do, but of course no one I saw could find anything wrong with my shoulder. I ended up going to a chiropractor, and I don't know if he helped me or if it was a coincidence, but eventually my pain went away. And then last year, I dealt with extreme stomach pain for months and months. I endured so many tests and the only thing the specialist could see wrong was severe reflux, which didn't explain all my symptoms. And then, suddenly, my stomach pain went away and I haven't had any since. Weird.

It was so weird to me that I saw my primary physician in December and told her everything, just to get her opinion. She had no ideas, but ran some blood tests, which all came back fine (of course). Since I was symptom free at that time, there wasn't much she could do. So I just waited until the next thing went wrong with me.

I didn't have to wait long, unfortunately.

Almost a month ago, I started having a pain in my tooth. I have pretty sensitive teeth anyway, and use toothpaste for that, so I figured it was just something that had irritated my tooth. After several days the pain got worse, but everything looked fine. Then the pain got even worse - it turned into a constant throb. Strangely, I was able to sleep at night and in the morning the pain was gone, but after an hour or 2 the throbbing would come back. I finally realized it wasn't my tooth, but my gum. And then in addition to the throbbing, it hurt to touch that part of my face, even lightly. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore (and Motrin wasn't helping at all), so I went to my dentist. Of course, he found nothing wrong. He even said my mouth was the perfect picture of health. He referred me to an endodontist, who also found nothing wrong. But they both agreed that I probably have trigeminal neuralgia. My symptoms are not typical for TN, of course, but both men felt that was the right diagnosis.

My dentist wanted to start me on a medicine to treat the TN. But you treat TN with anti-depressants, and I'm not down with taking them unless its absolutely necessary. All this happened last Thursday, and my dentist called in the prescription for me that afternoon. Then he left for a trip to Panama (how nice, right?). After a ton of research that night, I decided I wanted another opinion before taking any drugs to treat this condition. My dentist can refer me to a neurologist, but of course he's out of the country for a week, so he can't do it. I left a message with my physician to see if she'll refer me (even though she hasn't seen me since December and I wasn't having this issue then), but she's out of the office until tomorrow. The neurologist won't see me without a referral, either. So now I'm just waiting. As always.

Actually, the pain does seem to be going away, finally. It hasn't throbbed since Thursday. It doesn't hurt that much to touch that part of my face, though it does still hurt pretty bad when I press my lips together (like after putting on ChapStick, which I am addicted to!). Its so strange, this pain. From what I read, though, TN "flare ups" typically last from several days to several weeks, and then you go into a kind of remission until the next bout of pain. So if that's what I really have, I'm probably at the end of this pain cycle and will be pain free soon. Which means that by the time I see a neurologist, I'll be totally fine and that visit will be unnecessary, and he'll think I'm crazy. Like all my other doctors have thought.

I told my friend yesterday I don't understand why no one has referred me to a shrink yet. They all think I'm crazy since they can't find anything wrong with me physically. Some days I really feel crazy. Is all this random pain I have just all in my head?? I don't know. I might not ever know. *sigh*

So maybe now you see why I'm so stressed lately! Why I have nothing much to say on the blog. I just keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason, and God's got this all under control. He's gonna see me through this mess, just like He always has. One day things will calm down and I'll barely remember this time in my life, I bet!!

All Sorts of Things

Its been another crazy and not-so-great week for me. Seems like crazy and stressful is my new norm these days. Maybe sometime soon things will settle down and start looking up!!

This week I had jury duty. Excuse me, jury service, as the clerks at the court kept emphasizing. I really wasn't there very long - just 1/2 the day on Monday, most of the day Tuesday, and a 1/2 day on Wednesday. Thankfully, the judge released us after that. But let me tell you, it was torturous!! There were at least 50 potential jurors crammed into the jury pool room, which was tiny. We were sitting in rows of chairs that were too close together to have any walking room between aisles, and each chair touched the one next to it, so you had no personal space. But the worst part was we weren't allowed to leave the room at all unless the judge gave us a break to stretch our legs. Which actually only happened once during those 3 days. The room had no windows. It did have a bathroom, a drink machine, and a snack machine. Oh, and a water fountain. But you couldn't even stand up without being on top of another person, so I just sat in my chair. Thankfully, I had purchased a book on my Kindle for the week, so I was able to get lost in that story most of the time. I was a little disappointed that I'd sat there all that time and never got to see a trial. But the judge released us on Wednesday and said he wouldn't need a jury at all this week. I was glad to be done, though!!

Monday was particularly stressful. Of course I knew I had jury duty (I had to be there at 1pm, so I went to work first), so I spent the first part of the day preparing at the office in case I got put on a case. I kind of hate not knowin what to expect day to day with my job. I like variety, sure, but not knowing if I would even be there? No thanks. Too stressful. Probably wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't just me and the boss here. But there's no one to do my job if I'm not here.

The other thing that made Monday stressful was being worried over C. My MIL and I decided that C probably needed to see a doctor. We were afraid she had another UTI. For the past 2 weeks, her potty training has been terrible. I just attributed it to all the stress we've dealt with lately, a growth spurt, general toddlerness, whatever. But last week she started sayin "my pee pee hurts" occasionally. Not while she was peeing, though, just randomly. Monday she woke up at 5:30am and told me it hurt and that she needed medicine. So I called her doctor when I got to work and the nurse said she needed to be seen. Apparently toddlers can have a UTI without a fever, which I didn't know. My MIL got a urine sample at home, bless her, so C wouldn't have to be cathed (and I knew she wouldn't go in their potty).

Well, the doctor looked at C's urine and said it looked fine. They did a culture just to be sure, but she didn't have a UTI, thankfully. She did, however, have vaginitis. That's kinda like a yeast infection, but a different bacteria. (And from what I understand, really young girls can't get yeast infections - yeast rashes, yes, but that's totally different.) The doctor said it was probably from her being on antibiotics last month (ear infection). She gave us some Nystatin cream and sent us on our way.

The very next day, C felt better. And I am happy to say she hasn't had an accident in THREE DAYS!!! So I guess the infection was making her uncomfortable when she had to pee, so she held it in as long as possible, then wasn't able to get to the potty in time. I'm so glad I trusted my gut and took her to the doctor, even though she wasn't acting "sick." Always trust your Mama Instincts!!!

As for the rest of the week, this year my body has decided it is allergic to pollen. Like most of the rest of the world. I have some serious allergies, but pollen has never bothered me, in all my 30 years. This year, however, is a different story. I sneezed a few times Wednesday night, and immediately my throat was sore. And it still is. I'm not congested or anything, but I just have that "allergy feeling," as I say. Ugh. All I want to do is sleep, though of course that doesn't happen.

I think my true problem is I just need a vacation. There's been a lot on my plate for a while now, and we normally take a trip in February for our anniversary. We put it off this year since DH's grandma was so sick in the hospital. Then we put it off because my uncle was so sick, and then he died. DH's grandma is still in a rehab facility, and she's started having seizures again, and some days she doesn't recognize people and talks out of her head. She's not in danger of passing away, but the family is stressed because who knows if she will ever be able to take care of herself again. And now DH has the flowers in for his business, plus the chicks, so he's super busy taking care of all that and selling it. *sigh* We had hoped to get away this month, but there is something going on almost every weekend, so we never planned anything. Maybe next month...

I did kind of feel like I had a vacation day last Saturday. C and I spent the whole day just playing and having fun. We were outside most of the day. I didn't take my DSLR out with me because I just wanted to enjoy life and not worry about taking a perfect picture. I did bring my iPhone and got some snapshots with it...

Still can't reach the pedals enough to go anywhere, but she tries!

DH took this one. C's first picnic! She had a blast.

 Sunday was a busy day. We went to church, then had a quick lunch. DH left to go to the livestock sale with a friend, and C and I went with my mama to TWO baby showers. We had a great time, but C missed her nap. After the second shower, we took C on a walk around Mama's house. Mama's neighbor raises goats and C got to meet the baby that they are bottle feeding...

She loved that! After that, we went to my cousin's house, where my brother was helping to build a deck. We stayed there a while because my 3 year old cousin was there, and her and C had a ball running around the yard together.

C was passed out by 8 that night, which is extremely rare for her. DH and I were able to have the night off, so to speak! We watched the ACM awards and just enjoyed time alone.

I wish I could go back in time to last weekend. Though I am looking forward to this weekend. Tomorrow, I am taking C to my mama's church with some friends. They have a little playground there that's fenced in (so the babies can wander around and we don't have to worry about them wandering off!) and the babies love to play in there. Its not public, so it'll be nice and quiet. And that is the only thing I have planned for the entire weekend. I might have to ask DH if we can take a day trip Sunday and just get away......! We'll see. ( ;

I'll leave you with one more image. I love this time of year because all the flowers and starting to come out. My hasta around the flower beds have come back and are growing rapidly. My amaryllis are going to be gorgeous when they bloom - there are a TON of bulbs now. The irises have multiplied, too. My gerbera daisies are coming back up. My azaleas are starting to bloom. My tulip tree is blooming and greening up. I just love it!! Last weekend I put 2 pots of geraniums on the porch and hung up 2 hanging baskets. One is a red portulaca (though I don't have a picture of it yet), and the other is a basket of 3 different flowers. Petunia is one of them, but don't ask me what the other 2 are, haha. I love it, though! Its gorgeous hanging on my porch. Don't you agree? ( :